.:Sunday, October 05, 2008:.

-worth revisited-

okay not too long ago i wrote what can best be described as a very depressing piece about worth and being valued enough to be WITH your partner. as i was showering tonight i started thinking about when my worth became tied to who was holding me at night. because really during the day i'm active and productive and busy. but at night, at night it's just me and the stuffed animals. that's when the lonely sinks in and that's when it starts to hurt that no one is hugging me back.

but at 22 i didn't care about that. i was finishing undergrad and dating around and in general just enjoying life and what the next adventure might be. there were moments when the long term happy with one person seemed appealing but the loss of it wasn't devastating to my psyche. at 25 i was reeling from my father's death so really the last thing i was worried about was my long term happy. i wanted someone to console me but i had my brothers, mother, friends and family who did a bang up job and helped me through that phase. at 28 i was winding up with the main part of my doctoral program and was just hoping that a few things broke the right way for me. they did and i was estactic. it was here that i know i started wanting someone to share all these thing with. it seemed lonely to be accomplishing things with no one to cheer me on and encourage me. but i had all my adopted nieces and nephews and lord they rocked so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

even at 30 the ache for the arms wasn't as pressing. i just got my first job and my mother was moving in so there were other stressors to wade through before boy was necessary. i was dating by then, i was with emp by then or getting ready to not be with emp either way i missed him but i wasn't decidedly distressed that he wasn't holding me nightly. i just figured in time we'd work that all out and i was getting ready to move actually lol but that didn't work out that way. and RS is a dream in so many ways, a good sweet dream but not something i've had a chance to hold onto. the days stretching made me more aware of that but it's not about him really.

it's about the feeling that i am not quite complete without those arms. i know that isn't the case. i am strong and independent and at the end of the day can take care of myself. so let me not say it's the feeling more than the desire to be in someone's arms each night. to rest my ear against their chest and hear their heartbeat slow while we drift off to sleep. it's somewhat about that nice smack on the ass, or across the face quite unexpectedly to garner a reaction mid coitus, and the knowledge that i have trusted another human enough to put myself in their control. i miss having those things now. i miss them and don't know when i can have them. that is what throws me off when i'm having a bad day. if i knew 30 days from now life would be like what i dream about then i'd just mark the days off my calendar and go yippee. but i don't know that and really none of us can know that. at 32 i long for embrace at a way that wouldn't have crossed my mind ten years ago. not having it or having the possibility of it ripped from my grasp just throws me into a tailspin from time to time. from now on i'll try to just have a drink and take a bubble bath when they hit but i know they'll hit.

for now i'll just keep thinking and praying and keeping myself as centered as possible until arms get to keep me close every night.

see ya later
red

Labels: introspective, random, update

Posted By red velvet at 10:26 PM

0 comments

.:Saturday, October 04, 2008:.

-Okay this is super random-

Don't know if y'all watched the VP debate. It was pretty good even though there were clear moments where the smack down could have been laid and was not. i was impressed that Palin kept pronouncing a few big names well and on the topics she knew she sounded solid. i was more impressed with Biden, was offering to have his little mullato baby by the time it was done lol. Okay so i'm rambling. someone sent this to me and it is freaking hilarious so here ya go.

Palin's Debate Flow Chart
Posted By red velvet at 5:30 PM

1 comments

.:Friday, October 03, 2008:.

-train of thought-

the world we live in is so complicated some times. i entered the lifestyle probably with some delusions about it's increased stability for my own life. i mean the nice vanilla boys couldn't hurt and love me so already there was a step ahead just by finding a man that understood those needs. but i wasn't paying attention to the initial message i got that hey this is just like the world you are leaving EXCEPT there is better understanding. my lifestyle relationships well lol for those have been here the whole while you know the first crashed and burned hard. from a lovely visit to please don't talk to me again over the course of a week. the second one seems much more in line with who i am and what i want but well He's gone with no definite return plan. many of you have told me to cut Him loose at this stage but that seems so unfair considering none of this was His plan or fault. having said that though at some point i think if i don't hear from Him it will just be too late. not sure if i'm there yet but it's probably coming. there are other people out there i know that too. the thing is i'm not really interested in seeking them out. i have good friends who care about me and they are keeping my spirits up.

one in particular has been there so long i can't even tell you when we met. he's been goofy when i needed goofy, sweet when i needed sweet and a huge ego boost when i needed that too. we listen to a lot of the same music so we have debates about that all the time among other things. i didn't realize how much i missed arguing with folks so thanks ROFLMAO. i feel bad for not mentioning him more directly in all this time because he really has been a great friend and source of comfort. i try to return the support but he's more hardheaded than me and doesn't listen as much. he's left a few comments here and there over the last few months but normally just sends me an email to chastise or harass me lol. anyhoo Mr. Good Nyhte thanks for being in my life, it has meant more than i can say.

occurs to me that i wasn't finished babbling lol. i updated the cast list to include GN. nothing major but hey it makes it easier to track everyone. i'm a little tired today and i'm hoping to hook up with someone today to finish a project i've been working on. not sure when or if that is gonna happen but if it goes well i'll let ya know. if it doesn't then hey i might want to lick my wounds in private and stuff. i'm gonna finish watching hoodwinked. talk to y'all later.

Labels: random

Posted By red velvet at 8:48 AM

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.:Thursday, October 02, 2008:.

-what's going on in your part of the blogosphere?-

red is fine. she is happy, not gushing over the moon but happy still. she loves and is loved. i hate talking about myself in third person lol. i am in bed sick today. i will probably be in bed tomorrow as well. it's nothing overly major but it sucks all the same. i'm missing my Daddy but i always miss Him. He can never know how important He is to my life. But i'm gonna try my best to show Him when i get a chance.

right now i'm watching mr. and mrs. smith for the umpteenth time. i think this move is adorable for some reason. yes i know that makes me slightly twisted. i'm gonna go forage for something that calms my stomach down since Daddy isn't here to rub it until i feel better. see ya later

Labels: life is good, update

Posted By red velvet at 5:07 PM

2 comments

.:Monday, September 22, 2008:.

-the old cliche rings true-

sometimes a girl just needs a bubble bath. i've been feeling like crap for a while and i kept thinking i need to destress and listen to my music and chill in the tub. didn't do it. worked till i passed out and kept a vice grip on my teddy bear while i slept. i took one the other day, bubble bath that is, and it was great. had good music playing and when i got out of the soaking i ran to the store so the good music came with me. all i can say is it cleared my head. i will be happy and enjoy my life and if someone is able to join me on that journey great. but if not i have so much to be happy about and smile about.
Posted By red velvet at 11:46 PM

1 comments

.:Wednesday, September 17, 2008:.

-worth-

when i started this blog over two years ago now i was newly in lust with my first real Dom. everything seemed possible and bright. for those of you that were around then we know it crashed and burned several months later. but to my surprise i met a new Dom, one much better suited to me and who i was and all things seemed possible again. then He was deployed and i hunkered down to be a good soldier to my Roaming Soldier. six months turned to a year, then a year became two and while the contact was sparse at least there was contact. it has been seven months since i heard from RS. i don't know where He is, the army won't tell me. i don't know if He is okay. i do know that i am not.

this is not to whine or bemoan my fate because no one has made me wait but myself. i want one of these possibilities to work out for a change. other things have made me question myself, other people, over the last year. and last night a piece of me shattered. it reoccurred to me that maybe somewhere someone who gets to make these decisions has decided i'm not ready or worthy of the possibility becoming reality. and that resonated in the most painful emotions i've had in years. i didn't feel this bad when Emp decided i wasn't what he wanted and believe me when i say i felt like shit then.

i just want what it looks like other people seem to get with no effort and no real thought. people who mistreat those who give it to them while i try to make myself acceptable. i am very tired. my soul hurts right now. and i'm not sure if i'll be back at all. i can't keep repairing myself. i don't have the energy left anymore. why am i not enough?
Posted By red velvet at 4:06 PM

2 comments

.:Thursday, August 28, 2008:.

-life is interesting-

well where do i begin? things with me have been in flux as usual. i've been denying to myself more than anyone else that i am mentally exhausted. i love my friends and family and job but i am tired. i'm tired of managing everything from what i wear to where i will park in the morning to what i will do when i come home in the evening knowing that most of what i want to do can't be done because there is no one to do it with. i want Him, i think i deserve Him and i need to understand (while i know i never will) why i can't have Him right now. my mother won't go to the movies with me and i really don't want to go out to eat with her. food is always more interesting to me at home when i can manage what goes in and out of it. and we can cancel the shopping 99 percent of the time. i might do some of that this weekend but i just as easily might stay under the covers. that's where i've been a lot lately. watching tv and researching things. i'm going to finish the alphabet game stories but for now keep them off the blog on the off chance a publisher i contact wants to do something with them. if they all say no then you will get a rush of smut for your eyes and hormones to devour.

beyond that it feels like i haven't talked to Daddy in forever. six months and counting since there's been a word from the desert. i've heard the "be strong" and "it will all be okay" and have even told myself "no news is good news" mantras quite enough now. i understand that life isn't fair. hell i have to help people understand that daily. but how much of the unfair does one have to endure before there are sunshine and roses? i'm happy most of the time really. but late at night it's hard to keep smiling when it's just me and the stuffed animals. i'm not even lonely at this point, i'm just getting indifferent to things in my own life. which is odd because when i get pictures of the kids in my life everything seems wonderful and possible. with the people i work with when i see them figure out there is a new way of doing things that inspires me. and then i'm left with my own blah and it's just all gone.

the other night i smiled my ass off because i watched a woman in love with her husband try to make the country fall in love with him too. for a myriad of reasons i hope she is successful so i don't have to start typing this blog from denmark or sweden or somewhere else because i'm not sure i can deal with another 4 years of republican rule. but beyond that for another few hours i was full of hope that love can overcome all things if given time. i'm just waiting to see if that happens to be the case for me too. ahh well i think i want some ice cream now. do the girl moody thing to a hilt why don't we?

Labels: life is so so, update, vent

Posted By red velvet at 6:23 PM

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.:Sunday, August 24, 2008:.

-n is for numb-

she was exhausted. Between work and the kids and the rest of her life she was just mentally fried. she needed Him desperately and He wasn't available to her. Life had Him just as occupied and even more distracted than she was. He could feel her desire for Him when He held her but neither could make their lips form the words that might ease the ache for both of them. So another day would pass, another want would go unfulfilled and another weight would rest on her heart. she kept thinking He'll reach out for me soon and drag me downstairs but the act wasn't making it past the thought stage right now.

she came home and cooked dinner quietly. she fed the kids, helped them with their homework and put them in the bath before they climbed into their beds. she showered silently and slipped into a pair of thin sweat pants and a tank top. she was brushing her hair into a ponytail while He watched from the edge of the bed. her skin was smooth and there wasn't a bruise to be seen anywhere on her back. her wrists showed no tinge of rope burn. More importantly though, she seemed disconnected, from Him from herself, from her center. He watched her hand linger on her neck and His eye caught her wedding ring. He thought of the day He slipped it on her finger. Thought of the vows He exchanged with her and the way her eyes gleamed up at His. He had taken her through some of the worst times at the beginning of their relationship so He figured He owed her some of the best now.

He got up from the bed and kissed her neck gently. she smiled and said thank you and then moved over to the bed to climb in and get some sleep. He stopped her mid stride and kissed her mouth. her body melted into His slightly but she didn't surrender herself over to Him. He sensed that she needed more than a deep kiss from her Daddy to regain part of herself. He grabbed her hand and led her from the bedroom. He checked the children's doors as they walked past them and down the steps. They had made this trek many times before and did so again in silence. The basement door creaked slightly and before long they were tucked behind their private space in the oversized house.

she didn't say a word when He pulled her wrists over her head and held them there while He slipped the leather cuffs in place. He locked them and then fastened them to the hook hanging from the ceiling. He spread her legs while she stood watching Him but saying nothing and tightened her ankle cuffs to the recesses in the floor. she didn't blink quickly nor did her heart rate speed up when He pulled out a knife and slit her clothing up each side and slipped them from her body. He was slightly dumbfounded when the knife garnered no reaction from her and realized how long it had been since He brought her down here. He placed the knife back into its resting place and looked at His naked wife. He opened the larger toy chest and pulled out the whip. He stepped over to her and let the whip fly. It hit her thigh first--no reaction, her stomach next--no reaction, her shoulder and her breasts and not a tear, hard breath or sigh came from her lips.

He stepped behind her with the whip and let it rain on her back and ass and while her flesh reacted, she didn't beg or moan or let water come to her eyes. He put the whip down and grabbed the paddle that she had made for the man she loved when He wasn't able to hold her when either of them wanted. her eyes caught it and the first recognition of potential pain flashed on her face. He stood far enough behind her to let the full imprint of the paddle make contact with her ass. He swung and swung and swung and finally He heard a sigh. It wasn't loud and if He hadn't paused He wouldn't have heard it but there it was, her body was connected to the pain again. He swung harder hoping to get the tears to flow but all she would give Him is a soft moan and a clearly dampening pussy. They were both sweating when He dropped the paddle and was nearly enraged. He was exhausted and nothing He had done had elicited more than the barest of reactions from her.

He looked in her eyes and saw what He had been missing. she needed Him to take her and hurt her in the most natural of ways. He stepped out of His sweat pants and behind His wife. He placed His hand on her stomach and lifted her lower body toward Him. He slid inside her and she groaned loudly. her tender flesh was being bitten and kissed and pummeled from the force of His fucking. He heard it then, it was a soul wrenching sob that escaped from her lips. He eased up a bit because He didn't want to do more damage and she shook her head. she begged Him to fuck her harder and He happily complied. He grabbed her hips and dug His fingers into her flesh to hurt her more. The tears flowed down her cheeks as she slammed her body back into His.

They stayed in the basement for a while. He uncuffed her and slammed her face up on the desk. she responded by wrapped her thighs around His body and pulling Him deeper inside of her. soon she was on top of Him with her head bobbing above her bottle while He licked at her folds. It was clear she had missed her bottle as she did little more than twitch when He forced the next two orgasms from her body. her body didn't start to shiver until the first drops of fluid rushed into her mouth. she came hard, He came harder and soon they were just a sticky mess. He brushed her sweaty bangs off of her forehead and kissed her softly on the cheek. He picked her up after He slipped back into His sweats and carried her from their version of a love nest back up to their bedroom. He let her sink into her side of the bed as He pulled up next to her and kissed her newly bruised shoulder. she sighed softly again and whispered thank you before she fell asleep in His arms.

Labels: alphabet game, smut

Posted By red velvet at 1:49 AM

1 comments

.:Wednesday, August 06, 2008:.

-alphabet game-

okay so you haven't had any new smut in ages. i actually started this post to be the next letter and my brain is giving me nada. i need some inspiration and i'll get to the five remaining letters. if you have any ideas for the letters let me know. if i use your idea i'll be sure to give you credit for it. our last lonely unattended to letters are

N
P
Q
X
Z

You Are More Like Angelina Jolie

Bad girl with a heart of gold. You are smart, sexy, and strong willed. You aren't against stealing another girl's man... If he's better off with you!

Labels: quizzes

Posted By red velvet at 6:38 PM

2 comments