.:Sunday, December 28, 2008:.

-random holiday related ramblings-

okay so i haven't updated in a while my bad. not a lot has been happening except me enjoying my vacation which has rocked except the whole no one to hug me really tight before bed. and even that has been mostly okay. so santa really needs me to start giving him better information. i got what i wanted for my birthday but really i didn't know what i wanted for christmas so i got random things lol. it's all good. they are cute random things but still very random. i've been watching lots of movies thanks to blockbuster and columbia house. wanted was actually better than i expected. the dark knight was better for me than batman begins and yes heath ledger kinda was crazy nuts but i will say i think it's been a little overhyped. not majorly so but still overhyped.

the holidays have been tinged with some disappointment. two incredibly sexy, strong and intelligent women who never probably understood the manner in which they changed women and men died this month. Bettie Page died on December 11th and Earth Kitt died on December 25th. i can't say either one was a personal role model because really i'm just starting to rexplore my sexuality and its influences as well as the manifestations and trappings to who i am now. but both were unabashedly comfortable in their own skin, at least for a while--bettie page did later say she found the Lord and didn't do another bit of modeling again. no one will forget bound bettie or eartha's distinctive purr. they inspire me and my subbie girl mindset of how i want to be. Daddy thinks it's because i was born in the wrong decade and that i would rock as a 1950's housewife. lol maybe but right now i do like the innocently overtly sexual conundrum that pinups and women from that time period present.

to that end i have joined a lot of different groups on fetlife that spark conversations and thoughts that i then end up talking with green lantern and Daddy about. good things all around. it's also made me expand my wardrobe a bit not so much with costumes but retro inspired items. Cupcake Provocateur has the cutest aprons and cupcakes lol as does Carolyn West and Jessie Steele. i bought a few from Cupcake Provocateur and she is super helpful and quick to respond so if you see something that channels your inner Donna Reed/June Cleaver but you want it in different fabric or some other alteration done just let her know.

hmmm not sure if there is anything else to tell you. if i think of something i'll be back. y'all have a good new years.

Labels: life is good, update

Posted By red velvet at 4:22 PM

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.:Sunday, December 14, 2008:.

-when i grow up-

this post is probably gonna be all over the place. i have a dozen different things on my brain which is the cause for the jumbled but i'm gonna try to keep things in order. at some point during my babbling i am gonna try to cover fetlife, career changes, Daddy/Good Nyhte and pinup models. i told you it was all over the place so if you don't wanna read it i understand totally.

okay i finally signed up on fetlife after serious encouragement from green lantern. as i described it to Daddy it's sorta facebook for kink minded people. there are groups to join and friends to make and you can share as much or as little about yourself as you like. i'm waiting for Him to sign up so that i can finish one part of it and figure out how much He wants me to display on the page. right now mine is pretty bare and while i totally respect those who have their images there my brain was wondering about that. maybe i'm needlessly worried because my handles have never had anything to do with my real life but i'm always worried that a client or a colleague would see me. granted they would have to explain why they were there and they can't really search for an image of me directly as long as i wasn't silly enough to name the image red's real name lol. that's a perpetual debate for me. that's why my image has never appeared here. i'll email it to those that seem genuine that ask from time to time but in 3 years of blogging no red on the blog. ahh well i should figure that out.

Daddy is in Chicago right now. He's there for work and i understand that but it so sucks not having Him to wake up to right now. especially now as i start my vacation and my mother is riding the last patient nerve i have into the ground. we're trying to figure out if Christmas or New Year's is feasible but that hasn't been decided. however, we're having fantastically silly conversations and He makes me smile every time we speak. that wouldn't be different if He was here but i might be MIA from the blog again lol.

talking to Him lately has also made me think about what i'm doing now. how long i want to keep doing it and if i want to do something else. which is kinda leading to the whole pinup conversation as well. i love what i am able to do with my job. they allow me a lot of freedom and opportunities. however, after the year i've had emotionally and professionally i'm almost starting to feel burnt out. there are a couple of clients i want to get graduated but i don't know if that is realistic for me. especially if Daddy and i pick a city and want to move there soon. plus i never really intended on doing this kind of work honestly, at least not full time. this is my sixth year doing full time clinical work which has been rewarding and appropriately challenging but my brain is really feeling fried. i miss teaching and the exchange that meeting with a semi interested group of students brings. i also slightly miss being able to do research because i have no damn time whatsoever to do that right now. that isn't as big an issue for me though. the other thing that has come to my mind has been my writing. i'm doing a lot more of that now. more poetry lately but i have two books finished, one started, and an assortment of short stories ready. i'm not sure what stops me from looking at getting them published but there is definitely some nervousness there. not to mention there's this other thing that has come to mind recently.

i am intensely fascinated with classic glamor and pinups. it goes along with my love of corsets and being sort of uber feminine from time to time. the thing that for some reason i just noticed is the almost complete lack of African American pinups. i say almost because there may be some i'm unaware of but really when i went looking for some tonight i came up with articles, some not really pinup drawings and a website that is preparing to launch but as of right now has no content. now i have recommitted myself to taking care of my middle bulge because i just bought the cutest corsets and i want them to HUG me tightly. that made me think about being a pinup model though. doing the contradictory corseted little girl images would so entertain me. especially if i did one like the ones i did for Daddy before He left. you know the coy finger in mouth images. i would try not to curl my hair too much before folks thought they were dealing with a 15 year old but it could be one. and that would be in complete defiance to my overprotective side with my pictures now. but i don't think i'd be maintaining my current day job, at least not where i am now, if i was going to let it all hang out and just go all pinup. staying that cute would require more effort than i put in now. but i would love it on so many levels.

anyhoo, so many thoughts, so much to decide. if and when i ever make a decision lol i'm sure i'll let you know hee hee.

see ya
red

Labels: life is good, random, silly

Posted By red velvet at 11:26 PM

2 comments

.:Saturday, December 06, 2008:.

-the post that never ends-

it won't be this post of course. the cast list has updated again for clarification to my readers. i did sort of transition relationships without a long flowery post which was my nature once upon a time. while i am happy with my new relationship, i wasn't exactly thrilled to be ending the old one. i love RS and care about Him but it was time for me to move on. things were getting harder with the more limited contact and since our last contact in February nothing has happened between us at all. i can't blame Him for that because the situation limits His ability to do what He wants and i know given His preference He would have been home with me and Littlest Soldier but neither of us got what we wanted in that situation. He's still in my prayers because LS needs her father and i want Him to be okay as well.

Good Nyhte is and has been a great support to me since i've known Him as i have mentioned previously. there was no ulterior motive in that and i have often referred to Him as my stupid younger brother in the past. we aren't related before anyone gets weird lol. just that is how i was looking at Him for a very long time. however, being with Him as much as i was the last few weeks was wonderful and made me very very happy. it also gave me a chance to live D/s for a while and it is entirely different from the random visits i had with Emperor back in the day. the protocols and things are the same of course but a) every Dom has their own way of implementing them and b) you do have to handle your day to day life before aspects of the D/s relationship can come into play. there was still work to do, bills to pay, dinners to make, clothes to wash, and beds to make before we could fully immerse ourselves in things. didn't mean there wasn't the occasional hair tug or smack on the butt lol but we had stuff to do. He's gone right now. relocated for a job but neither of us expect to not be together again soon. that might mean i'm back in the midwest but woo damn it's cold there. He keeps promising to keep me warm though so we'll see lol.

i have some stuff to do today so i'm gonna wrap this up now. you can check the updates in the now introducing post if you need to but hopefully this makes things a little clearer now.

see ya
red

Labels: life is good, update

Posted By red velvet at 11:36 AM

2 comments

.:Saturday, November 22, 2008:.

-so i'm laying in bed-

and for the first time in a few days i'm really just laying here instead of rolling around and laughing and watching movies and sighing deeply. He's been here and i have loved that greatly. it's interesting having Him here and how much different i am as a result. i haven't really wanted to post anything for some reason. slightly afraid i might jinx things and really still trying to be selfish a bit and save this one thing for myself. but i am happy and safe and feeling quite loved right now. if that changes i'm sure you'll know. hell i tell you guys everything lol eventually even when i don't exactly mean to. i hope everyone is well and that you enjoy the holidays if they are coming up for you next week. my mother is STILL gone yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh so i get to make my duck when i'm ready to eat it and not heat it up cause it's been sitting for 3 hours. hope i'll talk to you guys later.

red
Posted By red velvet at 9:26 PM

5 comments

.:Friday, November 14, 2008:.

-sorry bout that-

been busy with work and being sick and a bunch of other stuff. the accident i believe is finally resolved now. well it is for me. the nice lady that hit me is probably gonna have some issues. i'm debating whether or not i'm ready for this to go dark. i don't have a lot to post these days. i love a very sweet Man dearly but with my track record that probably means i'll eventually be telling you all about what went wrong instead of how He's sleeping here every night and making my life so much richer. i don't think i'm being a very good sub right now at all because i'm all over the place with my moods and tolerance for things. i'm just really in general confused about my life right now. after i finish helping Him with some things i might vanish for a while and take care of the weirdness that is my life.

Labels: life is so so, update

Posted By red velvet at 10:15 AM

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.:Wednesday, November 05, 2008:.

-shock and awe-

that's the best summary i can give to what this country did yesterday. i can honestly admit that no matter how hopeful i was i did not anticipate this country electing a brown person while i was still young enough to recognize and enjoy it. i took the day off because i needed to absorb the day on my own. i didn't end up on my own. i had to take care of some things related to the car and ran out to vote. upside of living in podunk was it took no time to vote. downside of living in podunk my state nearly always goes red so it was strictly exercising my civic duties that got me to the poll. i was back home by 10:30 with a maybe activity later in the day which turned into a definite activity within an hour.

i spent the day with Him. doing a lot of nothing but it was nice just to be with Him and hanging out and joking and making people slightly sick cause we flirt a lot lmao. it somehow made the day less tense and stressful. the election wasn't allowed to dominate my brain as i was afraid it would if i had been at work the entire time. i was there longer than i anticipated being which is weird as the plan was tentative to start with. it was a wonderful few hours though. moments like that just make me hopeful and happy that i'm happy and alive. they can never last long enough for me right now but chalk it up to me being greedy and not wanting to let go of who and what i find important. especially yesterday. the significance of who i was with yesterday wasn't lost on me so i was glad that for most of my day it was Him.

i came back up and filled out paperwork for my new car which i picked up today. it's a newer model of my old car and i like it a lot. slightly more than i wanted to pay but like the last time i got a used car it already comes loaded with what i wanted already. this day was no less significant than yesterday but it was back to the grind for most of us. still stunned by what took place and almost hoping we weren't still dreaming. sooner or later the sheer unadulterated surprise will wear off. but not right now.

i was just writing to say hey, let you know i was still alive and that i couldn't be prouder of the us today. i just hope that we can continue the momentum that was started last night beyond right now.

Labels: Daddy, life is good, random

Posted By red velvet at 11:56 PM

0 comments

.:Friday, October 24, 2008:.

-and in braking news-

okay folks, it's been a long strange week. i was in a car accident last Friday. i wasn't injured just a little sore and more than anything annoyed about my car. i found out a couple of days ago they were going to total it which is annoying but it was incredibly close to being paid off and since someone rear ended me i won't have to pay the deductible. i'm gonna start looking for a new car sunday maybe. i've been on call so the last week hasn't allowed my brain to do much processing on that. unless they cut a HUGE check i'm gonna get something else used and just hope to get my payments back to where they were.

i'm probably gonna go to bed early tonight because i have to take mom to the airport in the morning. that wouldn't be a huge deal but the closest airport to us is extra special HIGH to fly out of unless you are flying into certain markets. so we're doing a two hour trek--let me rephrase i'm doing a four hour trek--to get her off to see her granddaughter. i know i'll be exhausted tomorrow afternoon but the house will be quiet and i can run around naked again. she is complaining about everything and threatening not coming back again and after the last few fights we've had i truly don't care. she doesn't respect me or my time and didn't ask to do 99 percent of what she's asked for in the last 96 hours in the weeks prior to this when i wasn't nearly as busy. today after i got in from work and clearing out the car (which really shouldn't be traumatizing but it is) she has another list of things she wants to do. i say i'm tired and no i don't want to take her then. she thinks of three other things and asks again and then stares at me when i again say no.

i used to feel bad about that but really nothing i do is ever enough which annoys me. i have been late getting home three of the last five days because of her but me wanting to rest tonight is being selfish in her eyes. i gave her half of the food someone was nice enough to treat me to at work and she comes to ask for the stuff i was planning to eat myself. had i said no she would have stared at me again lol like how dare i tell her no. i'm really tired tonight and i really miss those arms.

see ya later
red

Labels: life is so so, random

Posted By red velvet at 6:39 PM

2 comments

.:Sunday, October 19, 2008:.

-just because it needs to be seen-

Posted By red velvet at 10:10 AM

3 comments

.:Saturday, October 18, 2008:.

-His words, my mantra-

i've been thinking about this post for the last few days. i told y'all about the bad dreams. i told You about how He was there to make it all okay and i had a good if not totally productive day. the next night He told me something i wasn't expecting and when another semi disturbing dream hit, i repeated that or what i could remember of it in my sleep deprived state and fell back asleep. the next weird dream didn't even get to register because i heard Him in my ear. as i'm trying to sleep and holding tight to my teddy bear i kiss it repeating the words until i doze off.

the mantra as it were has made me smile and feel very calm when it's bounced around in my head. it gives me something to focus on when the subbie free fall starts to happen and i'm not sure when i'm gonna hit ground. i get there, safely, and with much fewer bruises. thankfully i have good subbie sisters, who i affectionately refer to as the collective, that have been in the lifestyle much longer than i and who remind me of the most important thing in any given situation.

because of them and because i'm being slightly more focused about what i'm doing and when i can let the words soothe me as they do. i've been clearing out some negative energy around me and that has made an interesting difference in my perspective on things. patience has never been one of my virtues. i got some when my father passed in 2001 but i think i tapped all that out lately. but i've started a little ritual, a checklist, that keeps me quiet in my spirit and lets me just be. it could be because i see possibilities again or it could just be that my brain and my body are finally willing to talk to my emotional self and all get along.

i don't know what the road ahead of me holds but i'm looking forward to what is around the bend. i'll be repeating my mantra along the way.

Labels: introspective

Posted By red velvet at 10:54 PM

1 comments