I was chatting with GN earlier and told him that I was proud of myself for not slipping back into checking out what my former Dom was doing. This is a weird conversation to have with another former Dom but we’re friends now like we were before we were in a dynamic so it’s not as awkward as it could be. He replied that it sounded like both of us were doing well in our sobriety. I disagreed because this isn’t quite the same thing to me. Sobriety would be maybe stepping out of kink altogether. I don’t have to worry about reconnecting with the Dom in question because he doesn’t reach out to me and I promised myself that I wouldn’t keep reaching out to him. So I can’t say that I’m over that addiction because I’m not being tempted by it. Finally having the self-love to not debase myself with no warm and fuzzy as an outcome is less about sobriety in my mind than it is detoxifying from whatever that connection was between us.
From the time I met him until the time he was firmly implanted in my brain was shockingly brief. I wasn’t looking for anyone and he flooded my body with this high that I was perpetually chasing. I didn’t want to just be a good girl. I wanted to be HIS good girl. I didn’t start to drip with desire when anyone called me cunt, and in one case it literally shut off all arousal because that wasn’t his word to use lol, but when HE called me His cunt it was like a spigot was unleashed. I wrote smut again all of a sudden and it was gloriously depraved but more than anything it was about my need to be with him and please him and worship him. Being with him briefly was not nearly enough and left me crushed if I’m being honest. I felt like I wasn’t ever enough but that was after the high of being with him and the ridiculous crash that came later. Regardless, he felt like he was embedded in my DNA and it hurt my spirit in ways I can’t clearly articulate when he was gone. And it took longer than I would have ever wanted to feel strong enough to move on and stop wondering and wanting and waiting for him to maybe change his mind. Any little interaction between us gave me hope and that was something I had to let go of finally.
So a few months ago I stopped engaging at all. I didn’t block him because he wasn’t hateful but I don’t know what he’s doing. My need to know he was okay dwindled and now it’s like my system is clear. Could it be overrun again? Probably but I don’t see that happening. The last time I saw him in person, my locs had just made it to my ears and it was cold and rainy. Now they are past my bra strap and could be used as a lead with the right person. I kinda want to be overrun by someone that wants to engage fully and is available to do so. I’ll admit some of my struggles are because the high allowed me to be willfully ignorant about obvious red flags. I don’t do that anymore. So getting me wet and ghosting me means thanks for the memories. I’ll be someone’s good girl again eventually or not. In the interim, I sleep better with occasional invasive feeling of a hand on my neck and one in my pussy. Sweet dreams.