I need to be going to sleep. I’ve been moving it feels like non stop for almost two weeks. And I still have four more days of why are we doing this right now before it eases up for another few days. But I heard a song in my head and it has made it impossible for me to focus on anything else. Plus I’m really not in the mood to masturbate for 20 minutes until I can cum hard enough to fall asleep. The title of this post is somewhat misleading. Apparently, I already have a post called “lately i can’t seem to get you off my mind” and since it’s not connected to this post I didn’t want to leave it there. Instead, you get the next line of the song in my head. Zhane Off My Mind. Why it’s in my head I cannot tell you because I’m not missing anyone right now. I did watch a few of my exes fuck me to get off last night but I think I just wanted to hear my pussy get gushy mid stroke. You can hear me getting stickier as they proceed. But I’m not missing either of them. I’m not really thinking about either of them. I’m heading back to the stomping ground of one next spring but we won’t be seeing each other. Unless the universe is evil like it was when I was in college and there was one ex I would literally start out each year trying to avoid. Like I wouldn’t go to parties I think he was heading to and I would only see mutual friends in spaces where he was unlikely to pop up. And at most it would give me two weeks before I’d hear Hey Stranger from a deep voice behind me and feel my body go bitch mount him. Body may be an exaggeration but my pussy would definitely be like Bitch he knows tongue tricks and isn’t afraid to use them. And then the body parts would have an unofficial board meeting and debate how long we were going to remain clothed while he was standing there smelling good. It was never long enough and somehow too long simultaneously. But not worried about him either. He’s still fuckable but bad about getting caught trying to dip out on his latest relationships and I don’t have the patience to keep doing that dance.
I thought it was because I was missing crawling and mewling and whimpering and begging and looking for bruises the next day that inevitably did not come. And while that could be true somehow that doesn’t feel quite right either. I do miss those things and I would kill for some regular maintenance right now. My brain definitely needs a hard reset. And some motivation to do better. I’m not sure if I want the maintenance without the long-term maintaner which could be what I’m missing the more that I think about it and realize what it is not. I miss being a good girl, a good cunt, a brat, a pet, a lovely little girl, a whatever I was in that moment with the person that was making me more and more depraved. But as I’m not actively looking and wouldn’t know where to start if I was what I must be missing is the ghost of Dominants past. I miss the structure and the release of control. I miss it a lot. There’s not a person that’s evoking the longing just the absence of what could be. Ahh that feels better. In a way at least.