when it’s over, that’s the time i fall….

i was doing well, i am doing well, i’m kind of a mess.  not sure why i felt compelled to go to Dutch’s page today but i was.  i had thought about it when i knew we were headed back to Amsterdam because i didn’t want him to see me randomly and be shocked but the likelihood of that happening is slim to none if i’m being honest so i put pause on any warning messages.  i’d already decided to avoid any munches he was hosting or would likely be at while i was there.  actively ignoring his page for long stretches of time means i can be genuinely thrown off when i do check in again.  he’s happy.  and not that i don’t want him to be unhappy if he’s not with me but i don’t know that i wanted him happy with someone else.  happy and healthy yes but not attached which is just silly.  i’m happy and healthy to my knowledge just unattached.  not for lack of trying on my part though so really this mood shift is silly.  he wouldn’t be upset if i was being tied up again.  he likely wouldn’t care if that person looked like him or did not look like him.  he’s moved on and most of the time i think i have too.  i was kinda shocked that i cared but i really did.

i started writing this about an hour ago and just got back to it.  i’m perpetually looking to grow, move forward and see what’s next.  i don’t know why i’ve struggled more with that in kink than anywhere else.  i try not to see relationships and men from the vanilla lens that was in place prior to my mid 20s.  the problem is i see my truest self in kink relationships and thus i tend to fall harder and deeper for the partners i have there than outside of kink.  but no relationship derailed me as much as these last forays into submission.  i have wondered here and elsewhere if i need to step away from kink because of how much more impactful i find those relationships but i can’t even see what that would look like.  regardless, i can’t begrudge people moving on.  i was legitimately happy for emperor because he got was due him in the next partner he chose.  not sure where he is and haven’t wondered.  i miss RS from time to time but knew why i couldn’t be in his life.  i still talk to GN from time to time but should probably stop and Mr. Wolf is gone.  i want to feel the rush of submission again.  with the right person.  and in the right moment.  i accept that i’m likely not finding that now because i’m not lining up with the universe.

if i figure it out, i’ll let you know.  until then know that i’m not in love again.  that’s the next part of the lyric i stole the title from.  i was just feeling bruised for some unclear reason.  be well.  i’ll try to be.

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