This will be potentially be a weird post so if you’re not in the mood for that, take a minute and go find something else that may intrigue you. All righty. We are five days out from the end of the year as I write this. It’s been an odd one for me. Those pesky student loans went away permanently, both mom and I stayed overall healthy, I spent more time learning how to do things at home and growing things and that again, I’m working on achieving more things at work and outside of work, I’m planning for my next passport stamp, and I think I got a clearer idea of who I am in a kink sense. Maybe not clearer but who I am in this part of my evolution. I took a big step for me and finally stopped following and/or checking on the Dutchman consistently. It wasn’t good for my health and I think it was blocking my pursuit of anyone else. Interesting word choice there. I’m not pursuing anyone. That may be why I’m single as long as I tend to be. I have never enjoyed putting myself out there and hoping someone is interested sucks ass. Tried it recently, went literally no where and thus will not be repeating it. I’ve been working on my language skills and finding a new pair of driving glasses–my vision is still pretty good without glasses but I’d like to be able to see things crisper when I’m driving at night–and trying to read more and something more significant for me. I’m refusing to kill myself right now trying to be on top of everything. I’m exhausted or I was and I needed a break. I turned off my alarm and don’t plan on reactivating it for another week at least. Vacation time is beautiful and I’m not taking it for granted this year.
Having said all of that, I have been going through ebbs and flows with the kinky part of my brain. Masturbation and general arousal is way way up over the last week or so. Desire to have a nice wet pussy in my face, preferably reverse cowgirl, while I lick and suck it into a blissful oblivion kinda off the charts. That briefly made me reconsider if I wanted to submit to a woman and the answer is still no. Sexually I’m attracted to lots of folks but since kink lines up more with my romantic attraction it’s still very heterosexual in orientation. I’ve been craving pain again but that’s not a new thing but maybe a deeper exploration is happening in my brain. There’s a couple on fet that I started following a few months ago that aren’t necessarily about pain more than about testing endurance and pain is sometimes involved in that process. Regardless, it made me remember that part of what I want requires that we are close to each other more frequently than I normally am and really it doesn’t matter because right now there’s not a pain inflictor around. My brain mulls over leaving kink and just doing the other things that make me happy more and then I’m thrust back into craving the contact and pressure and aggressive claiming of my body. Then the most ridiculous part kicks in and I remember it’s not just the contact I’m looking for with a Dominant partner. I really miss the mental invasion. I miss the slow untying of my always in charge persona. Finding the person that makes me shudder whether they are in the room or far away makes me tingle in ways I miss greatly.
Right now I’m looking at rebooting another year on the single side of the kink spectrum and I’m not anticipating a shift in that anytime soon. But I’m also okay with it. Patience has never been my strong suit so it’s something I have had to remember to explore. Making bad decisions in haste or out of loneliness is not a good look. I lucked into all of my relationships and those dynamics were exactly what I needed in those moments. I feel like I’m healthy and healed and just horny enough to be open to what the universe has to offer. I’m also happy with the life I have so if my kink world is only explored mentally then that’s what it will be I guess. Eventually the right man who makes my toes curl and my submissive brain exist just to please them will emerge. Or not and I’ll get back to writing smut. LOL I miss that a bit. Ahh well get ready for the new years and maybe I’ll try the In the Air Tonight Phil Collins thing at New Year’s Eve.