if it’s really over

I have been busy like normal and it has helped me clarify a few things.  Well mostly.  So a few days ago, maybe a week, I made a decision not to visit fet again if no one was looking for me or interacting with me.  My happy spaces there kept declining.  I wasn’t making new friends really.  I definitely wasn’t finding new partners.  I have just decided to pull back from fet in particular but maybe kink as well.  Do not get confused, I’m still woefully kinky.  I fantasize about painful things and get ridiculously wet.  However, what I’m not doing is even finding the slightest bit of intrigue in most people I’m interacting with.  I thought about Dutch today when I was getting my locs done.  Several months ago I wanted to reach out to him again.  Let him know I was going to be in his home country again.  And invite him to wrap his hand in my locs and yank me around the room.  I didn’t though.  It occurred to me that he didn’t care and it wouldn’t matter so I stopped myself.  Today the thoughts were more mundane.  He’s still my kinky gold standard.  He unleashed things in me I didn’t know were there.  That’s why bottoming out felt so so bad.  But that’s not even what ran across my mind today.  It was that it wasn’t meant to be.  He seemed to be everything I’d ever want but he wasn’t available and wasn’t used to communicating in the way that I was needing.  I couldn’t love him into being the man I needed not just the man I wanted.  And it was necessary for me to hit that brick wall because I kept running back to men that were not ready or fully available.  I tried to combine things with Mr. Wolf as a balance but that was a bad idea.  I was just experiencing the relationship in stereo from different viewpoints.  My recent forays into flirting gave me a triple dose of “I’m not available and this is why” from each person.  And while it felt like a sped up repeat of things with Dutch, no part of me went but he’s so right for me.  No he’s not.  He would be right for me if he was interested and putting in the time to pursue something.  Maybe this means I’m still healing and maybe it means that my kink life should be relegated to my big brain and not the great big world.  Regardless, I settled into more understanding that the door to Dutchland was shut on purpose.  I’m not sure where, when or if I’ll ever meet someone else.  I’m not really stressing it.  It was just a moment of full understanding.  I like those.



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