tell no lies about me and i will tell no truths about you or whatever kendrick said

i opened this hours ago to write this post but didn’t get around to it.  i was watching the katt williams special with mom, waiting for the next kendrick drop and generally just minding my business.  i briefly hopped on fetlife and debated sending messages to folks.  reading the little i read made me change my mind on that entirely so no messages have been sent or likely will be sent.  i keep seeing messages to the effect that if people wanted to be in touch they would and i have to keep remembering that.  whatever my confused brain or traitorous heart hold on to have little to do with the reality of the situation then or now.  then it was easier to pretend that things wouldn’t end up here because the emotions were running high and that created a direct line to my psyche.  i wrote about being manipulated via tattoo and legitimately had that been a thing my dumb ass would have done it.  so glad it was not a thing and that i wasn’t able to do it because it would have crushed me when the manipulation stopped.  i’ve gone back and forth with maintaining a connection to kink.  there’s no partner i’m seeking out so in one way taking a permanent step away seems to make sense.  vanilla men will likely never fully do it for me but i can goad them into a good hard fuck and pulling my hair and maybe that will have to do.  it’s not deep enough to make me pretend to submit and there’s no battle fatigue from trying not to go all in too soon.  the only upside to remaining invested in finding a new kink relationship is that’s where i’m fully engaged.  but since i’m not looking to get married does it matter?  ahh well, let’s just look forward to new tattoos i hope.  if all goes as planned i’ll be rocking my seventh and eighth tattoos and on a flight headed back home.  maybe 9th if we get some time on deck to do so.

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