This post is being partially triggered by a thread on Fetlife entitled constant craving. It sounds/reads like NRE on steroids but also that feeling you have when you are so connected to a partner that you crave their presence and to serve/be served by a particular person. I understand the whole situation but clearly see myself in the latter half of that previous sentence. Y’all know like I do that I craved the fuck out of whatever the Dutchman did to my brain and it’s been a little weird interacting with him without that craving. So there are multiple things happening in my head and in my body that I want to explain if I can. I wrote this blog post a million years ago. It contains a poem that described what I was feeling at the time about why I was wanting/needing a partner. It’s ten years old but it’s relevant. My love language changes depending on how life is lifeing but a touch from the right partner centers me and feeds me in ways I can’t fully understand. Mr. Wolf always called us beauty and the beast but really a dominant partner calms my beastie tendencies. I have to be reserved and in control everywhere else so it can feel overwhelming to have to figure myself out sometimes as well. The energy of my dominant partner allows me a safe harbor that I miss a lot right now. What I notice a lot from the writings I’m linking here are that they are all writing from a place of what I need in a partner, the craving, desire to get my needs met. To be fair, most of those writings are a decade old and written in a period of transition.
The question I’m turning over in my brain at the moment is where am I now. How have I evolved from what felt like a needy position? I’ll be honest, I’m not sure that I’m less needy. I’m more composed about it than I was. I’m not lashing out and I’m not hardened inside or worse indifferent. I’ve been trying to be open to new possibilities and dynamics. Thus far, my openness has been met with some weirdness that quickly shut down whatever may have been brewing there. For a moment I was wondering if I was being intentionally difficult and settled into no. I’m not pining away for an ex. And I’m not using the new folks to get the attention of any of the old folks. The acceptable bar has definitely been raised but more honestly my willingness to engage with someone who isn’t in the same realm of kink and commitment as I am is non existent. Totally don’t mind new friends if they can keep it friendly. But one of my exes has an unfortunate nickname in my head because we never should have been together. I was trying to do what people said and date someone who isn’t my type and we just couldn’t make it make sense. He was lovely but not at the skill level I needed from him and I couldn’t get to the emotional investment level he wanted because I wasn’t all in on the dynamic side. Like I can be a devoted puppy for the right person, but for the wrong person I’m more like a highly irritated feral cat. Regardless, I don’t want to repeat that experience. So I’m open but I’m not being stupid. And yes I know I may miss out on the person that could grow into who I want them to be. If they show that potential, I can be patient. However, if we are just fundamentally in different places it doesn’t make sense to pour into someone that is going to grow into a tomato when I want a cucumber.
I’m craving a dynamic yes but not to make me calm down or center me or fill a gap in my functioning. I’m good for the most part. Traveling is helping me reboot. My friends are funny and wonderful. I’ve finally arrived in the portion of my kink life that synced up with my vanilla life. A partner would be lovely but it isn’t what I wake up each day missing or needing. There are moments I’m not thinking about it at all on any level. There are other high stress moments when a good choking, fucking and spanking would be amazing. I just make myself cum, have a bit to eat and take a nap then. I guess my craving isn’t constant anymore or even consistent. I want what I want but I’m willing to wait for the right situation to present itself or not. My life will still be rich and wonderful either way.