this post will likely ramble a bit and i may come back to it after a few online things today. i went to bed last night fully intending to get up and go get my corning masturbation chair. as i woke up from another weird dream, i struggled with the motivation to do that. i’m in my comfy long-sleeved nightgown and i don’t want to take it off, put on clothes, leave the house, deal with people, come back home and do it all in reverse. especially when i’m not in love with any of the options i can get locally. that made me start thinking about my dreams over the last few weeks but mostly the last few days. they have been terrifying or made me horny. one or two were neutral but i don’t remember those because they were neutral. i’ve been attacked, fucked within an inch of my life, cried myself awake–that was weird, and just been dead to the world asleep. my brain is going 10K miles an hour some days and i really don’t like it. i can’t make it stop unless i completely distract myself which is also not something i want to have to do. i know i’m having a bit of an internal struggle. i haven’t been in a dynamic in a hot minute. i’m missing the safety and direction a partner provides me. yes i can do that for myself and have since my last dynamic ended. i’m just tired of doing it right now. i miss being owned fully. i missing giving up control to someone i trust. and i realize now how few people i really trust. not intimately and that just crushes me. folks think they know what is going on in my head based on what i share but the deepest recesses have only been accessed by a few and while the relationships didn’t end because of that, it still sucks that the few people that knew/know me are not in my space like that anymore. so i try to focus on what i can control in the mean time.
i’m still working on my professional and social life inside and outside of kink. i’m being more active with the sorority. i’m being asked to do things in that realm which is nice. i’m trying to spend time with friends. work is going as well as it can at the moment. i keep going to classes on how to serve better. i’ve learned a lot in the last few years but i have no one to apply it to lol. i’ve planned my trips for the kickoff of my 50 things before i’m 50. i’m excited about that. the big and the small things should be intriguing and potentially frustrating. but at least they will be intentional and hopefully fun. i need things to look forward to not just reflect on what went wrong. i’ve done enough of that and i can’t fix any of those things. everyone involved knows what i think at this moment and if they don’t they can always ask. for right now i’m getting ready to pop into a more social session and then doing a grocery run.