My fingers itch some days
They long to reach out to you
Touch you
Touch myself while you watch
But my mind is stronger than my will now
It has to be otherwise I’d be sitting outside your door
Like a stray cat
Begging you to take me in
There was a point in time
You could have asked me to do just that
Free of any other constraints
My prone body would have been waiting
For your indifferent hand to stroke my flesh
Now I shut down the imagination
Before my submissive self can slink out of her shell
Engage with the need that burns just below the surface
And lets loose a scream that rages from loneliness
I can wait and want
But we both know you won’t
Be more than more than the latest figure that torments my mind
Because deeply it longs for you to be mine
That wasn’t in the cards for you
Or him
Or the him before him
Or the him yet to come
I am the vessel to make you better
Stronger
More sadistic
Perfection
For someone else
Nothing more but potentially somewhat less
Because there are cracks in the foundation now
I have to patch myself together
And it takes longer each time to repair the damage
I inflict on myself
Trying to become the vision I need to be
So that you need me
More than I want you
It’s not love on the brain
I am the root cause of my pain
I throw myself into the wall
Hoping you will pick up the pieces
And find them valuable
You do, but then there’s bleeding
I’m forgotten as you’re healing
Someone finally takes pity on the shards
And dumps them in the trash where they obviously belong
Because the fuck am I broke again if that’s not the case
I’m the phoenix without her flame
A butterfly whose wings never found air
The runt of the litter without the speed to escape her predators
Medusa when she let down her guard
Only to see her strength pulled away from her
Humbled as men are wont to do with strong women
Tired and not prepared to fight anymore
I used to think the quiet time was to let me heal
Broken things need repair and the air there
Was a salve for my battered body
I know with more certainty now that
The silence is really there to protect me
From bad decisions
Bad emotions
Horrible manifestations of what I hope to be love
Or I hope to be better love
You love me like father did
All my brilliance and resilience are appealing
But the brightness becomes a curse
Because you can only see me in the spotlight
And the darkness that comes around the illuminated circle
Strangles me slowly
While you hold on to memories of brighter me
I’ll slip back into my shell now
No longer looking like a chrysalis ready for my emergence
But a sarcophagus ready for my entombment
I miss the void
The stillness of loneliness
Just like I keep missing you
But the void will always be my friend
And perhaps that’s the best I can do