i was fully prepared for sleep and maybe i’ll get there after i finish this post but about 20 minutes ago the storm rolled in that was predicted. however, it was louder and more aggressive than i was expecting. it made me worry about the plants and then then the plants flying into a window or the house. it’s calm for the moment but it doesn’t feel safe. kind of like my brain. it’s always a balancing act between tipping hard into submissive angst and remaining calm because life is good outside of the singleness. vacations are planned or being planned. need to reach out to my tattoo artist in Amsterdam to see if she could squeeze in that last bit of work that needs to be done on my back piece. i have an idea for a new one but it’s mostly to cover up the first tattoo that is tucked under the back piece.
the rain has let up but it made me think about RS. i don’t know what about that man or that period of time triggered massive arousal during the slightest hint of rain but i don’t get as wet now when the rain hits my window. maybe it’s because i’m paying for the windows now in a way i wasn’t before or because storms seem so much more dangerous now. especially without someone to regulate me when my brain starts running at a million miles a minute. that’s not to say that the rain has no impact at all. i might drown the right person but the right person isn’t available in my world. i know what i want and i know what i can tolerate and save a cloning operation i likely won’t get the first one and the second one will only frustrate me. i don’t know where RS is or if he’s living his best life and that makes me a little sad. i hope he is. his daughter would be an adult now, young adult but still an adult. maybe she’s a big sister and he’s a doting father. we never got to make that t-shirt and i eventually abandoned that girl scout outfit that was just for him really. i did publish the stories but that was just to let him free a bit. living on these blog pages unseen somehow seemed worse than living on Amazon unseen.
i did a dumb thing for my submissive brain and made contact with the person that derails that brain so easily. i’ve been trying to reign in my reactions to conversations so they don’t disrupt my being when they are or are not happening. i had to take a few deep breaths a few days ago and remember that i don’t belong to him and he doesn’t belong to me. he can torture and fuck and be taken care of by anyone he’s wanting to torture fuck and be taken care of. i was too far away to really take care of him and that is neither of our faults. just par for the course with my picker. and it’s not his fault that i use him and one other person as a template for whether or not we’ll click long-term. the answer is usually no because now i know that it’s not enough to treat me nicely if you don’t also treat me like a wanton slut. but that you can’t do either without convincing me that i believe or trust you and fuck all that. too many men just aren’t able. it’s the jill scott thing again. off tangent, i really want some hot wings right now. and a margarita. and to be pushed over the back of a couch and fucked into a stupor while being told what a good little whore i am. blah i hate being up right now. i feel like an addict who is trying to dance along the line of addiction knowing one wrong step will have me down bad. but there’s so little keeping me sober right now.