So this post will be in direct contrast on one level to the lovely vacation recap. I am very aware of my insecurities and most days I can keep them at bay. I’m smart, able to pay my bills with no intrusions, take vacations when I can, can cook and back and no those are not the same things, I’m good at my job and appreciate most humans most of the time. That doesn’t mean the worries that plague others aren’t always running through my head. I’m trying to figure out when those things go away. Maybe not entirely but enough that they don’t plague my brain on the rare occasions I am not operating it like a steel trap. In no particular order her are the things that threaten to take me under some days.
- When do I stop caring about my partners’ other partners? Why am I worried about how I compare? If I am going to be replaced there’s little to nothing I can do about it and whining and reacting just seems to frustrate all of us but mostly me. No I don’t bruise easily. No I’m not submissive just because I am in His presence, gotta drop that shielding. No I’m not nearby. Those things are only deficits if I let them become deficits but when small and submissive me is present she worries and she wants to be reassured and the problem is those fears can’t be entirely eliminated no matter what. I know that when I’m rational. I know that when I’ve come up from the bottom of my subdrop. But in that pit I feel worthless and there’s not enough chocolate or stroking in the world to make it better.
- I stay too long at the party professionally. Why am I never the first one out of my job when I’m not completely happy? What am I worried about? I’m competent and have done amazing things that other people will care about in the future but yeah I don’t ask and I don’t end up anywhere until it’s past time? I have a new opportunity at work and I was thinking of asking for what I thought was a reasonable pay upgrade to offset the extra work. A coworker said double it with no blinking. They’d ask for it and probably get it and I’m going meh they aren’t trying to hear that. Why not?
- I love my friends but I don’t feel the love back unless I have something going on. They complain about not seeing me but they always want to get together during the busiest times of my job. Nah I can’t drop everything and meet you down there at the end of the month. I’m in the fourth circle of hell at the end of the month. I never say that though cause it becomes me making excuses and they just wanna hug on me. I’m free in July, tossed that out there, got shut down immediately and end of that conversation. This is partly why I don’t connect with very many people anymore. My life operates on a non traditional schedule from those in the private sector. Yeah I would love the hugs and the bonding but not the guilt and the sharing beds–we are fucking 40 no to the sharing beds. Hell I’m not keen on sharing rooms now.
- I debate my submission every six months at least. I am not like the others. I feel like an imposter. Maybe I’m just really kinky with a high pain tolerance. The subspace is just my legal high. Maybe I’m just sexually submissive. Maybe I’m really screwed up and if I just got some therapy I’d not like men who want to demean me or abuse me or degrade me at all. Maybe I’m not as screwed up as I think but lost all ability to relate to “normal” men and this is what I got left.
- I don’t really understand the concept of love so I make it more difficult than it needs to be. It’s not always meant to be hard and it’s not always going to be easy but my version is dumb and that’s why I don’t get what I want in the end. Picking stupid ends up with stupid picks right lol. Except I don’t pick most of the time. They pick me and isn’t that worse cause I don’t even have the stones to say hey I want you first lol. God I suck.
Okay so maybe not all of that is true or valid. But in the pit that’s the pinnacle of the brain fuck I can give to myself. It’s frustrating and I need it to stop. I really really need it to stop.