A Moment of Self-Reflection…

Or how I became one of those people that I just didn’t understand.  If you visit my page on Fetlife you would notice some changes there.  After a number of years of being single and just having my D/s role listed I added “in a relationship” a few months back.  That was true then as it is true now.  But as I have been doing in other parts of my life in different phases I wasn’t sharing the whole truth because I really don’t like having a million eyes focused on me.  Not that enough people read my page here or profile there for it to matter but for those that do I wasn’t really up for questions I hadn’t really developed the answers for yet myself.  And maybe even more so I wasn’t sure how the folks most directly impacted by those changes would feel.  I have mentioned Mr. Wolf and The Dutchman here before.  I have debated for the last year what I’m doing with either one of them and if it was fair of me to be engaged with both of them at the same time.  And there were moments when I was so distressed that they were polar opposites because if they were similar or I could merge them then I could adhere to my devotional pattern of one man trying to be all things to me.  It helped when there were moments of disconnect with each of them because it allegedly told me that see the two partners thing doesn’t work for you.  Focus damn it focus.

The problem with that is that I was still not invested in my full truth.  Fact of the matter is I submit to them both in different ways and I love it.  I love both of them for not stopping my exploration of whatever it is I’m feeling for the other.  That may not be permanent but in this moment and place I fully understand those people that used to confuse the piss out of me.  Polyamory isn’t new but I legitimately couldn’t grasp loving more than one person and it not diminishing both relationships.  It felt like it was meaning to be more of an agreed upon path to engage in extraneous relationships with limited blow back than a true orientation that someone could adhere to.  It didn’t help that from my side of the slash there were not a plethora of examples of women with two Dominant partners and whenever it came up it was borderline ridiculed.  I mean if a Dominant has multiple interests and needs more than one submissive to fully explore them why wouldn’t the same be true for a submissive?  It’s great if one person can fulfill that need but due to a variety of factors that may not be the case.

I can say it shocked the hell out of me but when I’m well connected and in tune with both I am more loving and appreciative of them both.  They have similar ideas about domination and thus my submission.  However, they approach it from a totally different, like coming from opposite sides of the globe different, perspective.  One or the other could have spurred growth and another evolution in me I’m sure but the two together have opened my eyes to new possibilities and my ability to endure pain and degradation to previously unconsidered places that I greatly enjoy.  My descriptions of the relationships may use the same words, love/care/lust/what have you, but the manifestations of that are different.  Mr. Wolf is a nurturing type by default and it took a while to get the sadistic teddy bear to come out to play but he’s fun when he comes to visit lol.  The Dutchman should work in black ops or advertising.  His skills at pushing my boundaries and overtaking my brain and leaving little bombs to explode are just excellent.  And while I’m not sure that my brain could fully handle all three of us in the same space on a regular basis the ability for my brain to shatter and be repaired might make me a superhero in the future.  Regardless, I adore them both and I am kinda stupid happy that neither one balked at my new perspective on life and love.

At the end of the day I feel like I’m in a really good place and that energy is benefiting everyone right now.  Especially first thing in the morning lol.  I’m happily climbing out of bed and sharing myself with the world in general but with them in particular.  This experiment may fail.  It may just turn out to be me being greedy and selfish and stupid but I really hope that isn’t the case.  Life has been so much better over the last few weeks than when it was while I was struggling to get to this place.  So yeah I’m one of those people now: poly is my current reality.