I was reading my email the other day and as is often the case I get a fair amount of promotional emails from companies I’ve done any business with ever. One such email came with the following subject header: we know what your skin needs. I briefly made sure I hadn’t somehow received a smutty email on my very decidedly not smutty email account and after I was certain I was in the clear I just smirked. There are days I definitely don’t know what I need but the massage spot knows precisely what my skin needs. It’s a clever line, ensure to elicit at least a bit of moderate interest from their massive distribution list but after the letdown of not magically having a psychic email fall into my lap I will admit to being a little cranky.
But not with the massage spot. I mean they are just selling me a product if I’m happy enough to partake. I was angry almost because what I need isn’t simple. What I crave is complicated. And unfortunately for me I have moments when I start to believe what a friend told me in college might be correct–no man that ever really loved me would really want to hurt me on the level I desired and conversely that no man that could fully break me could ever really love the mess he had created. I am a uniquely odd individual even to the people in my life that love and adore me. I tend to eschew traditional gender roles and have never been one to bask shyly waiting to be claimed when a moment of lust has fully engaged me. But my foray into BDSM and D/s dynamics makes some things even more complicated.
In no particular order I am going to try to explain those things that were spurred into more clarity thanks to a random email. I want to be doted on without being suffocated. I like being told I’m important to someone BUT I don’t ever want to feel like I’m unable to break free from someone. I like the lovey dovey moments but that on a perpetual basis would drive me just this side of insane and really I’m close enough already so I don’t need a push. I want to pushed past my limits without being so utterly damaged that I cannot function. Both of the Dom types who have recently been in my life have done this and I applaud their efforts but they explored them on different ends of the spectrum: one physical and one mental. I ate up the experiences. I want to continually repeat the experiences. But I don’t have a teleporter to see either of them at my leisure and what I need is a melded experience not disjointed one. I read something on Fet that Mr. Wolf seemed to enjoy and while it claimed to be a method of mind fucking someone it seemed to be the most literal interpretation of the word that one could use. Making someone orgasm without physically penetrating them is no small feat I do understand but it falls monumentally short of what I mean when I use that phrase. And to be clear what I am calling a mindfuck could be way off base from the definition as well but what I think of is my brain being so overwhelmed, overwrought and overcome with thoughts of someone that it impacts my ability to function normally. Their desires, their energy, their voice ring in my head even when I need to be doing and focusing on something else. It’s about making me want to do things that my rationale brain says hell no to but my submissive brain says please may have I have some more. Hmm back to the list of wants before I slaughter kittens in my rush of lust. I want to be physically pushed into the ridiculous high that a good sub space can bring. The staccato thuds of a heavy flogger are so much more relaxing than any deep tissue massage can ever be. And while I don’t need to have sex at that point if I do I’m either going to drench someone or be so limber and happy that I make fuck them into a coma. Really just depends on the day and both is not outside the realm of possibility. I want to love my Dom but I’m not sure I need to be in love with them. I want to be devoted to them. I don’t want to be so entwined in them that I am no longer useful. I need to be consumed without being decimated. I need to be demeaned and humiliated and told that my only purpose in life is to please them and then put back together so that when I need to step back into grown up life I won’t be ready to capitulate to the first stern voice I hear. I need to fuck so long and so hard and/or with so many different people that my body is one continuous orgasm for hours after the sex stops.
That doesn’t seem like a whole lot in my brain but it’s a hot mess of things to most folks and almost impossible to expect that any one partner is able to take care of all one their own. It’s the only reason why I am willing to consider poly now. And even that consideration is muted a bit. I need to be able to be with someone that I can see and experience all of those things with regularly. I’d prefer not to have to get those wants/needs met in different relationships but after reading another post on Fet maybe that is the politest thing to do. I can’t ask for something from someone they are clearly not skilled to provide. It just frustrates us both. And I am so not about frustration this year. Ahh well, I’ll keep thinking about it. This is just rambling now so I’m going to bed..