So I left you with a snippet of where the pain may have entered into the picture. I can say I wasn’t quite sure that’s what I was looking for until I wasn’t playing with him anymore. Even though it had come up with my HS boyfriend, his pain was mild and his control over me was mostly mental. At the time I was with Tall and Lanky I knew the sex was rough, almost violent but not in a way I was shying away from. I knew he was a tinge on the unhinged side when sex was good. He enjoyed me because no matter how long we were fucking I stayed wet and I didn’t complain about the size of his dick. I could see how others might. It’s a little disorienting having an arm like appendage invade your nether regions but once you adjusted it I swear to high heavens it was like his dick became a bludgeoning force of pain and pleasure that sent my mind off into lala land. I met him by accident but he essentially kidnapped me the first night we had sex and the next day as I was trying to walk home I realized my normal hip switching had been fucked out me. I was hooked as I smiled at the realization. The more we had sex the more he tried to hurt me with his dick, fucking me trying to get me to deep throat that monstrosity. And if I hit a particular spot when pleasing him he would reach back and smack my ass like there was a target on it. Just so we’re clear–LOVED IT. When we played with others he encouraged them to hurt me as well and while a quick ass smack is nice they didn’t have the same impact when they were coming from anyone but him. He connected all the moving parts in my brain and if he hadn’t been such a man whore I would have been devoted to him for quite a while longer than I was. As it stands it was a good thing that I didn’t remain his hapless lust slave. I had so many more slutty adventures ahead of me. And while most were wholly satisfying on a physical gratuitous level but that hole I mentioned in the last post was just beginning to grow.
I had infrequent relationships from that point. I needed something that I had been warned I wouldn’t be able to get in the same man as the one that loved me. But I wasn’t really ready to split my attention indefinitely and I wasn’t sure how to ask anyone that wanted to fuck me if they would also be willing to hurt me. So I drifted along, nearly finished graduate school, went on internship and as a result of newly found status as a sorority girl stumbled upon a Greek message board and my first official Dominant/Master. He was everything I found intriguing in a man–that is arrogant, intelligent, convinced that he could/would be the center of my life–(none of which is/was good for me lol) and absolutely none of what I needed as a lifestyle entry point but we’ll get to that eventually. The board LITERALLY had nothing to do with BDSM. However, through a series of random conversations, flirty emails and double entendre in a few posts that both of us seemed to seize on we both broached the subject of bondage and discipline.
He indulged my fantasies and shared his with me. A recurring theme in my D/s relationships would start with him. More men than not have seen me and my uninhibited side as a means to have a successful poly relationships with me in a primary or alpha role. I had no idea what that meant in the time but it sounded like I would be special and that sounded good to me. He directed me to a few sites to read up on the lifestyle, sent me notes and articles along with sharing his experience. He discouraged me from entertaining Dark Connections at the time because he found them pretentious and cliquish. You have no idea how amazingly pot calling kettle black that last statement is. We kept the budding bondage connection to ourselves and agreed to meet as I was traveling from internship to my new home. And meet we did and I realized he was my height when I was in heels which he requested lol. He was adverse to having sex when he played but he would get off and cum all over me. In some ways that was greatly satisfying. I knew he was happy, I had my pain in spades and I slept like a baby. As the months went on though that was less than satisfying and when I found out he was replacing me with a shinier model I was crushed. For some reason I had assumed men in the lifestyle would be more honorable and more direct. Ever the emotional masochist though I wished him well and encouraged him to pay attention to make sure that she didn’t hurt him. I eventually was informed that her whole persona had been a lie but there’s little satisfaction in being proven right especially since at the time I was thinking I just wasn’t enough.
Another unfortunate pattern began with him. It was rare that the Dom I loved would be the one that could hurt me. The next Dom was beautiful and wonderful and loved me with everything in him. He inspired me and made me see all he possibilities within the lifestyle and the merging of the vanilla as well. He was almost as sadistic as the first one and that bode well for a future together until the military intervened and he was deployed. And deployed. And deployed. He was very rarely home and when he was he needed to be with his daughter. And just like that I was single again. A new Dom did enter the picture and he loved me and he would upon occasion hurt me. But his vanilla life interfered with our entire lives to the point that he was forced to leave the home we were building together to take care of a situation and has never returned. While I hate being right about shit like that, I told him that would happen when he told me he had to go. We both tried to make the long distance thing work and I will admit to not being the best at that. I was hurt and tired and couldn’t deal with anymore uncertain returns so that ended that.
I don’t really have a problem with single. That hole is most definitely there when I’m unattached but it’s really because I can’t hurt myself. Sex would be easy enough to come by if that’s all I wanted. If I was willing to suppress my submissive side I could probably find a nice guy to cuddle up with and make cookies for on the weekends while he mows the front yard. But after years of trying to figure out all my bells and whistles and coming to terms that I need a mix of man who will pull me into his lap and tickle me with his facial hair–yes I kinda do love that–and man who will upon getting his fill of whatever will tie me to bed frame and clamp my nipples before he begins an intense flogging session followed by mostly aggressive fucking lol.
It’s why I have been comfortable being single this last year and some change. I have spent the time making sure that I wasn’t trying to hide from some fucked up unresolved issue by engaging in D/s. I have spent time sorting out just what kind of submissive I hope to be to the right one. I have used the time to stop rushing headlong into a relationship based on what my loins are telling my brain. Do women have loins? I kinda hate that word. I won’t use it again. Most of all though I’ve spent it trying to come out of my well protected shell and meet my people. Even if just for a few days it’s so much nicer than hiding out like I normally do. I can be a kink friendly helper type but if I’m the kinky type some people will have issues with that. My life is more centered than it has been most of my life so eventually yes the right man arrive but I’m not in a rush to be possessed like I used to be. What I desire right now is a good fit and one who pushes me just as well as they do inside of me. There’s more to come just not tonight lol. Have a good one.