bad dreams, good mornings

the last few months have been an emotional roller coaster for me. i have been up and down with work, up and down with my mom, and up and down with my romantic life. every time i think one is stable another screws up and right now they are all setting my cute little ass in the fire. the work thing is calming down now and nothing but time and more bodies to do the job will make that better. my mother is leaving town to go see my niece soon so that will give me a brief respite from all of the chaos that comes from living with a crazy old woman. which only leaves my love life and i swear i can make things as complicated as blindfolded calculus when you’re already drunk and horny.

you know from my previous post my up and down moods are a somewhat tied to not having those arms late at night. and while waiting didn’t seem like such a big deal when i was speaking with RS more regularly, we haven’t really talked this year at all which has made the wait less and less palatable. i’m sure some of you will wonder what the sanctuary post was about if i was getting ready to bump RS out of the picture. i do still care about RS, a lot, but over the last few months i’ve spent a lot of time with someone else and have grown to love them. they have been there through some of my roughest crashes about the state of my life and just things that have been overwhelming me the more disconnected i’ve grown from RS and partially from the lifestyle. being with Him has made me calm and encouraged and renew myself in my submission. of course with all things in my life the situation is complicated so His arms aren’t here every night either but He is very involved in my life and always there when i need Him most. the room makeover was a present for both of us for being honest with each other and trying to embrace whatever we have building between us.

a few nights i had a very bad dream. so bad that i sat up at nearly 5 am and couldn’t go back to sleep to save my life. i turned on my computer and He was there. we talked through the dream and a tantrum i had earlier in the evening. i didn’t go back to sleep but left for work happy and smiling. then my zune had to decide what kind of mood it was in, mostly it was happy so we sped to work singing along and happy. that day was my short day so the lack of sleep wasn’t as much of a killer as it could have been. but He was there as He normally is saying and doing unexpectedly sweet things. so ignoring the fact that i only slept for three hours and didn’t get to stay at home until after i ran an errand my mind was feeling clear. so i sat down to work on this but it wasn’t ready to be posted so i gave y’all the other brief synopsis first.

it’s not how i normally handle things. i would normally wait until i had a clear indication from my partner before i made any decisions. i do like to be a good girl after all. had things gone as planned i’d either be on my honeymoon or celebrating my anniversary. but plans haven’t held. i most assuredly never planned on feeling the way i do about the person in my life now. it was a surprise, a welcome one, but most definitely a surprise. as long as He wants to be in my life and allows me in His i’ll keep calling on Him because He makes things all right.

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