i’ve been thinking about this post for the last few days. i told y’all about the bad dreams. i told You about how He was there to make it all okay and i had a good if not totally productive day. the next night He told me something i wasn’t expecting and when another semi disturbing dream hit, i repeated that or what i could remember of it in my sleep deprived state and fell back asleep. the next weird dream didn’t even get to register because i heard Him in my ear. as i’m trying to sleep and holding tight to my teddy bear i kiss it repeating the words until i doze off.
the mantra as it were has made me smile and feel very calm when it’s bounced around in my head. it gives me something to focus on when the subbie free fall starts to happen and i’m not sure when i’m gonna hit ground. i get there, safely, and with much fewer bruises. thankfully i have good subbie sisters, who i affectionately refer to as the collective, that have been in the lifestyle much longer than i and who remind me of the most important thing in any given situation.
because of them and because i’m being slightly more focused about what i’m doing and when i can let the words soothe me as they do. i’ve been clearing out some negative energy around me and that has made an interesting difference in my perspective on things. patience has never been one of my virtues. i got some when my father passed in 2001 but i think i tapped all that out lately. but i’ve started a little ritual, a checklist, that keeps me quiet in my spirit and lets me just be. it could be because i see possibilities again or it could just be that my brain and my body are finally willing to talk to my emotional self and all get along.
i don’t know what the road ahead of me holds but i’m looking forward to what is around the bend. i’ll be repeating my mantra along the way.