when i started this blog over two years ago now i was newly in lust with my first real Dom. everything seemed possible and bright. for those of you that were around then we know it crashed and burned several months later. but to my surprise i met a new Dom, one much better suited to me and who i was and all things seemed possible again. then He was deployed and i hunkered down to be a good soldier to my Roaming Soldier. six months turned to a year, then a year became two and while the contact was sparse at least there was contact. it has been seven months since i heard from RS. i don’t know where He is, the army won’t tell me. i don’t know if He is okay. i do know that i am not.

this is not to whine or bemoan my fate because no one has made me wait but myself. i want one of these possibilities to work out for a change. other things have made me question myself, other people, over the last year. and last night a piece of me shattered. it reoccurred to me that maybe somewhere someone who gets to make these decisions has decided i’m not ready or worthy of the possibility becoming reality. and that resonated in the most painful emotions i’ve had in years. i didn’t feel this bad when Emp decided i wasn’t what he wanted and believe me when i say i felt like shit then.

i just want what it looks like other people seem to get with no effort and no real thought. people who mistreat those who give it to them while i try to make myself acceptable. i am very tired. my soul hurts right now. and i’m not sure if i’ll be back at all. i can’t keep repairing myself. i don’t have the energy left anymore. why am i not enough?

2 thoughts on “worth”

  1. “i just want what it looks like other people seem to get with no effort and no real thought.”

    I just had to respond to this — the reality is that good, solid love relationships, especially BDSM ones, are FAR from easily obtained and/or maintained…. If you remember that no one has it easy in this arena, despite what outward appearances might suggest, that might make this easier to bear…

    Having said that — have you ever considered seeking a partner? I’d frankly give up on Roaming Soldier — there are others out there, though — it’s just that you might have to put yourself out there to find one….

    Hang in there. I know from experience how painful a situation this is. I also know that even when you feel like part of you is dead (and I felt that way for YEARS before I met my current partner), you CAN make it through, and things CAN turn around…

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