life is interesting

well where do i begin? things with me have been in flux as usual. i’ve been denying to myself more than anyone else that i am mentally exhausted. i love my friends and family and job but i am tired. i’m tired of managing everything from what i wear to where i will park in the morning to what i will do when i come home in the evening knowing that most of what i want to do can’t be done because there is no one to do it with. i want Him, i think i deserve Him and i need to understand (while i know i never will) why i can’t have Him right now. my mother won’t go to the movies with me and i really don’t want to go out to eat with her. food is always more interesting to me at home when i can manage what goes in and out of it. and we can cancel the shopping 99 percent of the time. i might do some of that this weekend but i just as easily might stay under the covers. that’s where i’ve been a lot lately. watching tv and researching things. i’m going to finish the alphabet game stories but for now keep them off the blog on the off chance a publisher i contact wants to do something with them. if they all say no then you will get a rush of smut for your eyes and hormones to devour.

beyond that it feels like i haven’t talked to Daddy in forever. six months and counting since there’s been a word from the desert. i’ve heard the “be strong” and “it will all be okay” and have even told myself “no news is good news” mantras quite enough now. i understand that life isn’t fair. hell i have to help people understand that daily. but how much of the unfair does one have to endure before there are sunshine and roses? i’m happy most of the time really. but late at night it’s hard to keep smiling when it’s just me and the stuffed animals. i’m not even lonely at this point, i’m just getting indifferent to things in my own life. which is odd because when i get pictures of the kids in my life everything seems wonderful and possible. with the people i work with when i see them figure out there is a new way of doing things that inspires me. and then i’m left with my own blah and it’s just all gone.

the other night i smiled my ass off because i watched a woman in love with her husband try to make the country fall in love with him too. for a myriad of reasons i hope she is successful so i don’t have to start typing this blog from denmark or sweden or somewhere else because i’m not sure i can deal with another 4 years of republican rule. but beyond that for another few hours i was full of hope that love can overcome all things if given time. i’m just waiting to see if that happens to be the case for me too. ahh well i think i want some ice cream now. do the girl moody thing to a hilt why don’t we?

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