okay so i mentioned before i ordered some books about BDSM and the lifestyle. i forgot to mention i ordered nine and a half weeks when i ordered the others. i got it a few days ago and when i was bored with watching Thanksgiving programming i picked it up last night. i finished it (yes finished it) this afternoon. it’s rather short and after closing the last page it made me wonder why it has continued to garner so much hype. in the late seventies it makes PERFECT sense to have caused a stir but now, and maybe it’s just because of the ending, it felt hollow. whomever wrote the forward was right. the details of the characters are slim but you do get caught up in the building heights of their relationship. oh well it’s over.
it did make me ponder a few things. i tend to get moody in the evening now. i have never done that before now. or if i did it wasn’t for any lengthy period of time. if i had a bad day or i was feeling overwhelmed by work or whatever then yes i might crash that evening. but it is slightly more consistent now. i said something to Emperor a while ago that i guess it just didn’t register for me again till now. i’m fine from 7 to 6 because i am supposed to be. i am supposed to be able to get out of bed and shower and brush my teeth and dress and drive the 17 miles to work. i am supposed to be able to grab my files, boot up my computer and see my clients. i am supposed to know what i want for lunch and have it, figure out when to do paperwork, return my files, shut down my computer and drive the 17 miles home. i may or may not stop for groceries or food or something but at the end of it i still make it home. and i’m good for a few hours after that, maybe until about 9 my brain is still coasting on what i’m supposed to be able to do.
then the switch goes off. i don’t want to be in control anymore. i want someone else to take over. i want to be under His control. be right back i am literally starving lol. ok that’s better lol. the duck is still scrumptious by the way. ok pardon the interruption. the switch goes off and i desperately want to be under His thumb. i think He giggled when i said it. He understood but the distance does create a bit of a problem which i do not disagree with. if there was anything at all He would instruct me to do after my work life ends i’d potentially feel different. i can only say potentially because as of yet i do not know. before the last visit i got a small rush everytime one of the required tasks was completed. the “well done, pet”s i’m sure were also a driving force in me getting most of them done. i went through a billion lingerie stores looking for bodystockings for example. i was getting progressively more frustrated as no one had any. i was about to sheepishly tell Him they couldn’t be located in town, He said it wasn’t a required item but i didn’t want to disappoint Him still. there were only two possibilities left. a lingerie store about twenty miles from my apartment, that never got back to me by the way, and a store a few miles from my job which MAY have them but wasn’t a promise. the store did have them but had been cleaned out in the main store because of a sale, i was almost out of the place when i asked if they had more of them. well good lord they had a plethora of them around the corner. i found two i liked, sent Him a text message, smiled that He was pleased with me, made my purchase and rushed home to wash and pack.
it was frustrating to put it politely to have to search for all of the things i needed. but knowing that i had done all He requested of me made me overwhelmingly happy. my frustration as of late has been centrally focused on the fact that i haven’t been able to do anything overtly to please Him. He’s excited, well that might be too strong a word for Him lol, about the bear but He won’t get it until we see each other again. i’ve mentioned before that i have often been rather jealous of those i see in blogland who have tasks to complete for their Doms/Masters and consequences abound when they don’t lol. some of them get those consequences faster than others because of the proximity to the ones they serve but they get them. i want that structure. i know that if i get too out of pocket He will make a move to stop me but i don’t want to have to go there to get a reaction from Him i guess. i know it sounds sappy i just want to make Him pleased and pleased with me in turn. i’m sure we’ll talk about it soon. and while i truly despised how the book ended, i’d have to credit ms. mcneill (a pseudonym by the way lol) for making me verbalize what i needed to say today. i may be back later.
eta: i finally took pics of Emperor’s bear but if you want to see them email me lol or leave a note
|Your Personality Profile|
You are dignified, spiritual, and wise.
Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself.
You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books.
You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life.
|Your Birthdate: December 16|
You’re incredibly introverted and introspective. You live inside your head.
You spend a lot of alone time meditating and thinking.
People see you as withdrawn, and at times they are right.
You are caring and deep, but it may be difficult for you to show this side of yourself.
Your strength: Your original approach to thinking
Your weakness: You tend to shy away from others
Your power color: Pale blue
Your power symbol: Wavy line
Your power month: July
|You Are A Friendly Ex|
You and your ex are just friends – great friends really.
(At least that’s what you keep telling yourself!)
While civility is a good thing, make sure you’re not secretly wanting more…
Enneagram Test Results
Your main type is 9
2 thoughts on “what 9 1/2 weeks taught me”
I understand that very well, as I deal with same issue even living together… IMO, it is like He doesn’t want to be bothered by whatever..;-)
i am not completely certain but i do think things would be different if we were closer to one another. it may just be me being more frustrated but somehow i don’t think so. just having Him nearby makes me smile in the silliest of girly ways. knowing that He could pop in at any moment would keep me stupidly smiling i am sure lol. as i was reading today, various blogs and what not it occured to me that i could never be to someone else what He is to me. i don’t want that kind of responsibility for anyone else but maybe my children if i have any. that’s when my patience kicked back in lol. He has a billion and one other things going on besides dealing with His insolent pet. He hasn’t been mean or unkind, just letting me have too much rope right now. we will either fix it or i will be here pouting and lamenting the loss of the poor teddy bear lol. despite the uniqueness of it this is still a new situation for both of us and if it is meant to last we have to work on it. for me that means not abandoning all the patience i was gifted with over the last few years. for Him i am not sure what that means yet but until He says enough pet i will keep plugging along just like you will lol.
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