this will involve some rambling

i have a billion thoughts rushing through my brain. some of them will make sense. others will just be scattered and forgive me for that. i have happily had a series of awakenings over the last week or so. i’m grateful for them and feel a lot of my life calming down as a result. i’ve gotten all domestic lately and it has been simply amazing. i’ve been cleaning and cooking and prepping (part of that is because mom is coming soon but ehhh it aint all because of that). i anticipate i’m feeling a little like mrs. cleaver or something because all of it is making me feel retardedly useful, to whom i’m unsure, for some unknown reason. i doubt incredibly that Emperor would ever ask me to do these things. well He does like things clean but beyond that He seems just as prone to eat in as go out for dinner. but then again He couldn’t spank me during dinner at the latest hotspot so maybe that would win out lol. regardless the domestica diva in me has reemerged quite unexpectedly.

but this is the recentering me in one since and again grateful for that. however, that leads me back to the things i can’t do myself. short of seeing me brought to tears and this fascination with struggling i have no real knowledge of what He expects of me. how do i keep advancing along that path without some guidance on that? there could be someone local to train me but that would defeat the purpose of learning what He wants from me. still waiting to talk about that when He’s feeling better and all of that. but really it comes back to this one basic thing. i miss Him terribly. i hate that we are so far away and it takes all of my composure sometimes not to wail pitifully at Him because of it. i wish we had spent the holiday together. i wish i could put a slack in my oral fixation for a moment. i wish He’d have sent me home having difficulty sitting again. ahh memories lol. actually i wish He’d just kidnap me, chain me to the bedroom floor and call my job and give my regrets. too bad i have that whole lease thing here ROFLMAO. oh well i guess i really am not rambling i just miss Emperor.