you better run for it, run for it, run!

12:31 PM
okay well that was corny, but i have a lot of old rap songs in my head right now and that is the hook to one of them. but it does highlight a larger issue for me. i’m been very anxious lately. partly because well i’ve just been under way more stress than a human should be under for a week. and then partly because i’m getting ready to see Emperor again. the preparations are complete yes i know that but we are taking the next step in our D/s(M/s) relationship and at least for me there is no turning back away from this. He’s becoming somewhat more forceful in our interactions as of late. it’s made me a little off center but i’ve been delighting in the fact that He wants to keep me safely tucked near Him. well that is until i momentarily give in to my “what ifs” which as a therapist i KNOW is unhealthy and KNOW isn’t productive if i really want there to be an U/us. part of me could do what my girlfriends fear, pack up everything and move to be with Him, happily and willingly right now. the scared part of me, because i can admit that fear is driving this enterprise, wants to run from it, from Him, back to where it’s nice and routine and the risk of me getting hurt is minimal. don’t get me wrong i don’t think He’ll intentionally hurt me but when i give myself to someone he gets it all lock, stock and barrel. and let’s face it, i’ve NEVER given someone what i want Him to have of me. it wasn’t safe to let that other side of me into anyone else’s keeping because really they didn’t understand the gift. i hope and believe that He does. of course only time will tell but i figure if i keep wearing three inch heels instead of sneakers i won’t be able to run farther than He could catch me or my leash would allow. hmm the thought of a collar and leash never seemed more appealing than right at this moment lol. oh well i guess this means i’m ready to get caught and stop running. i just hope He will burn the sneakers and understand why i go looking for them from time to time anyway.

10:32 PM
you know the sense of release you feel when a phase of your life has come full circle and you both appreciate and accept it? that’s what i’m feeling right now. this has nothing to do with Emperor, well not directly. i realized tonight that there are people and things that have taken too much of my energy for too long. i am not who they want me to be nor will i make an attempt to be that person. as is always the case with me and groups of women, assumptions are made and my character is attacked when i speak and especially when i don’t. my life is full without these women and i’m noticeably happier when i don’t interact with them. and i’ve been putting others in a tenuous position because they haven’t reached my persona non gratis statge nor are they in any rush to become that. i hadn’t been enjoying myself in that venue for a while. might as well pack in now while i am still remotely respecting most of the people there. i may visit from time to time but it will never be somewhere that i spend a lot of time at anymore. my life is moving forward and in a different direction again. i’ll strap on the spare sneakers for a minute and then give them to Emperor so they can be torched.