i finally got back to work on my dissertation. the first three chapters have hopefully been rewritten to standard. the next two will be done in the next few days and and then for a few days i’m gonna let my mind go numb. i don’t want to think. well at least not too hard. i’ve been probably a little depressed and obsessed for the last few days. i have had a few primary foci, dissertation and Emperor, Emperor and dissertation, and every now and then i let myself sleep. i haven’t been particularly depressed about Emperor or even the dissertation. the people on the periphery of my life have proven to be the least beneficial to it.
we are bound by an affiliation but save that we have little in common or to share with one another. at one point in time we did but at present we are at best civil and are at worst starting to fester a unique contempt for one another. on top of the weeks of other mess this has not been needed or desired. that people would once again be a distraction instead of a benefit in my life has thrown me momentarily for a loop. i say it’s momentary because i’ve been down this road before and it’s always been with women. men and i have an understanding. we can agree to disagree and move on. if no such agreement can be reached we part company neither the worse for wear. me and women however, we repeatedly butt heads and i can admit sometimes i do things because i know it will annoy someone. but generally speaking i can leave a discussion and no longer entertain it which has caused decidely annoyed reactions in those that i do it to. they rant, rave, scream, bitch and moan and i am silent. it’s not as if we know one another personally and that not having htem in my life will cause it to be damaged irrevocably but i seem to create intense feelings in people lol. c’est la vie. in six days none of this will matter.
in six days i’ll be cuffed to Emperor being sent over the edge into some submissive blissful state. in six days i’ll be back with the person that understands me in ways i don’t yet understand myself. we’ll be whispering secrets to one another and hoping that no one knocks on a door, rings a phone or disturbs us in any other fashion. life is complicated, seeing Him won’t necessarily change that, but in six days for at least those few hours we have alone together my foci will be reduced to a focus and that will be on making sure Emperor has an intense reaction to me that we both enjoy.