i am officially off work for the week and outside of some nagging tasks my plan is to do a lot of nothing. it’s why i went on a “i can make all this from scratch” binge yesterday and made chicken fried steak and garlic cilantro mashed potatoes. i was so tired when i was done that i had no desire to eat it. i did because i gotta eat but i was tired as hell. i didn’t finish it though so i was ready to tackle that for dinner tonight and then my permanent house guest ate that portion that was just the right amount. it was a a little irritation but it was compounding the others.
i’ve been finding myself annoyed by people in my extended circle more than i want to be. especially given what is going on in that circle. i’m frustrated that i don’t have more empathy in me right now but i don’t. i’m remembering every little slight and every bigger slight. every time someone took advantage of my expertise to advance themselves without saying thank you or acknowledging the effort involved. i’m remembering weird pursuits of my submission only for them to fall flat quickly thereafter. lots of things are running through my brain and none of it says make room for people in your life right now. i’ve felt like this before and while i don’t enjoy it i know it’s usually necessary before a major change takes place.
this is my burrowing phase or my period of hibernation. i withdraw for relationships and things that no longer serve me. people will say i’m heartless. or that i’m so quick to cut folks off and honestly i’m not. i give folks lots of chances until i suddenly don’t but that’s true to my astrological sign if you believe in those things. when i love you i’m all in and heavily invested in making sure your life is good. if i care about you, same thing just maybe not to the same degree but when i am done with the relationship literally i don’t even acknowledge your existence if i don’t have to do so. and it’s not because i hate you or even that you maybe did something egregious. you just don’t seem to warrant holding space in my life.
over the last few weeks i’ve withdrawn from conversations that didn’t need my attention. i’ve pulled back from people who have made it clear they don’t want me in their lives in the way i may want to be there–or even the way they have said they wanted me there. i’m not adverse to building things but i’m not in pursuit of them right now either. when i’ve been in this place before it normally means i’m preparing to make a major change. i’m not sure what that will be right now but i feel that energy burning under my skin a bit. i thought it was that i needed to use that money i wasn’t entirely expecting to book that flight to new zealand and that may still be the thing but it may be time to relocate, give up the submission, chop off my hair or get a new tattoo. legit i don’t know but i’m feeling the change energy. sorry the dinner thief wanted to apologize for being a thief by hugging me and i had to stop that.
the upside to all the irritation and isolation is usually what’s waiting on the other side is fucking amazing and i have a blast. i just have to figure out what that is. i know that i will enjoy it just as much as i did going to Amsterdam the first time. i should go plan more vacations on this countdown to a milestone birthday and let the negative energy roll of me again. there’s no reason to hold on to it. i know what’s coming will be worth this sloughing of things that no longer serve me.