I read symbolism into things when I shouldn’t sometimes. I got very annoyed a few months ago because everything kept randomly flashing back to Amsterdam/The Netherlands when I was trying to sort out whatever emotions had been stirred up while I was there for my birthday. Pet insurance commercials, random shit on the radio, nail polish colors, like the most ridiculous things were all saying you’re really happy there so go back there and figure it out. Except I don’t live in Amsterdam and for lots of good reasons right now I can’t or have limited ability to make sure a monumental shift in my life. Then I actively made myself ignore those things and I stopped trying to make it into more than it was.
About four weeks ago I was in Vegas with my sorority sisters. While that should not have been a time where any of my exes was on my mind they were because I had invited two of them to spend the weekend with me, on my dime no less, and for a variety of reasons neither could take me up on it. That’s fine. The weekend ended up being chaotic so I would have likely gotten abused in my efforts to shake that shit off and then had to explain why I was looking like a punching bag. It was a conversation during that weekend or shortly after that allowed me to put back up all my submissive delusions that a past partner would be a future partner. This only came to be because instead of me sitting on my emotions I’ve been more direct in asking the questions that make me anxious. It prevents overthinking on my part and dragging out imaginary outcomes that will never come to pass. I was back in Vegas a few weeks later with a friend and had a blast. No exes in play. Ah I forgot to tell you about the other one. I was momentarily lamenting my single status and thinking that was going to be a horrible thing and reached out to the one that normally gives me good advice. He initially was supportive but was clearly annoyed that I wasn’t taking the it will all be okay vibe. He said we’d talk later but then said nothing so I returned the favor. We haven’t spoken much since then. I’m sorta okay with that because well shit is more complicated there than I just can’t move. Regardless, no exes were on my mind when I was in Vegas this time. I had a blast, saw some good concerts, flirted a tiny bit and then came home.
I’ll be back in Vegas in August at least to see another show. I am debating going back in May to see Bruno Mars. Debating partially because I still want to go to New York and catch a few shows and I have my magical mystery vacation scheduled for July. Possibly a trip to Africa in October and then potentially back to the scene of the crime as it were for my birthday again. But in the meantime, something else popped into my brain. In my frustrated musings last month, I was ready to toss my bracelets because why keep trinkets that remind me of men that don’t want me anymore. Thankfully, I remembered that while they are connected to those people they are still part of who I am because they only revealed who I was in naming me. But it didn’t feel like those were spot on for me now and who I wanted to be in the future. So I thought it was time to a new bracelet for myself. And I had a new one made in purple and gold. But to say that was a journey in and of itself is an understatement.
I ordered from the same person but the first two were strung so tight I couldn’t even get them over my fingers before they burst. I was taking it as a sign–as I started off this post mentioning–that maybe this next evolution and claiming of self was a pipe dream. I offered to send the stones back to the creator and they volunteered one more crack at it. The relief that washed over me when it slipped onto my wrist with no issues. I was thrilled. So I got to choose me after all. And maybe that will be experienced here or the place that touches my soul. Or both. Regardless, I think I’m done waiting for the Dom in kinky armor to come save my submissive in distress. I only get on chance to live my life and I plan to be more committed to doing so. Y’all be good.