i have been pondering this post and offshoots of it for weeks. i don’t have the focus to sit down and write it for some reason and i’m not sure why. i feel kind of like i have bdsm ADHD right now. not because of any one person but because life is weird and i’m tired and really would rather just be kneeling next to my dominant while he strokes my hair and we discuss life. i’ve hit the point in my single life that i’m happy with the freedom but sad that i have no one to share the adventures with more than i want to be. like i will continue to enjoy my experiences it’s just after the high of a new experience i want the person who is tickled by my excitement then promptly shoves their dick down my throat, spanks me and puts me to bed after a thorough fucking.
i keep trying to envision what this person will look like or how i will know which random conversation to explore or which person to offer my energy to and that is leading to more frustration if i’m being honest. i tend to trend older than me for partners outside of kink. inside kinky spaces three of my partners have been slightly younger than me and two were older. so that gives me nothing. and slightly younger is usually within a year or two not five or more. we gotta have some anchor experiences in common otherwise i’m gonna get annoyed. that’s a silly thing to get annoyed about but i will and it’s better just to prevent it up front. i love smart men, creative is nice but teach me something or be willing to learn about something i nerd out about. both are incredibly sexy to me. i like sharing information and i like receiving new information. i don’t like to be excited about something that you show no interest in but we don’t have to share all the same hobbies. then there may not be an escape from each other and that could be problematic as well.
taller than me seems like an easy request, i’m a short little teapot. as one of my vanilla exes used to joke i could sit on the curb and swing my legs. i’m not that short but if you want me at 5’5” i’m gonna need to be in heels. 2 or 3 inch heels at that. sadistic–actually sadistic, not exploring for me. not a pleasure dom trying to please. i want someone whose pleasure is derived from my pain on some level. preferably someone who wants to go on random adventures with me, passport ready but not required for all adventures. right now concerts would be lovely. being fucked in my office would be heady, being displayed in a hotel window and tormented would make me weep happy tears. so adventures is a loose term. wholly single and ready to couple would be perfect but what i’m seeing is men that fit most of my list are either already coupled or looking to build a poly dynamic. and i’m fine with that as long as he’s fine with me having more than one dominant partner. there may or may not end up being a hierarchy but there will definitely not be a me waiting my turn with you situation because that will just make me spiral in unhappy ways. i can go on good spirals that you will REALLY love but leaving me alone to wonder if you still desire me is not one of them.
ideally i want someone that in the next 5 to 10 years would be ready to help me locate land to buy and build on. i want to build a small farm that my dominant partners and i could retire to eventually but in the short term meet up at to overwhelm my brain. space to garden, have a few animals, and a ridiculous kitchen so that i can bake and cook and make ice cream in while you rest. then i will feed and fuck you until you are ready to hurt me and put me away. my ultimate submissive reveal is kinky klaire. very smart, very accomplished, very domestic, very adventurous, very depraved, very slutty, very much your whore. that’s where my brain drifts off to the most right now. some seclude farm with no neighbors so i can walk around naked most of the time. except when i’m baking, need an apron at least. and honestly if my dominant partners were chill with each other that would be lovely because i would never know who was ready to attack me next but could count on regular attacks, fantasy fulfillment, defilement, and random appetites that need feeding and test my culinary skills. i’m not sure what those men will look like or who they may be. i’m more open to the universe delivering than i was in the past but i’m not sure i’m patient enough for it to come together. right now i plug and play random exes with the right skill sets if i need to see a face or a body but really i just hear whispered nicknames frying my brain and making me desperately wish it wasn’t a dream