i’m sitting in bed, happy that the “just in case food” can just be dinner tonight. the projected snowpacalypse has sputtered for now. i am nursing a small HS flare but considering i haven’t had one at all in the last month or so i’ll take it. i’m been very deliberately creating room and space for me to breathe and that i think is helping immensely. either tonight or tomorrow after a bunch of meetings conclude, i’m going to hop on the treadmill and walk for a bit. it’s not the same as meandering around Amsterdam but it’s cold as shit even if it didn’t snow and i don’t have a puppy that needs the exercise so inside we’ll stay. i’ve been enjoying showering before bed with one of the steamer bombs. then i lotion up in one of my Shea butter lotions blends, cover my tattoo with aquaphor and slip into whatever i’m sleeping in that night. in another week or two i can go back to sleeping topless but gotta let the tattoo completely heal up first. i’m probably being overly cautious but i’d prefer that than getting an infection or somehow messing it up. honestly the healing on this has been easier since we weren’t covering as much surface area but it’s still my skin being punctured so gotta be careful.
bills are all paid and consolidating some of the high interest debt and paying it off really did make a huge difference in what i was paying off this month. another few debts should be paid off this year and provided i don’t have to replace the car, i can enjoy another season of no car notes which i love. i’m guessing i didn’t win the award i was nominated for at work but also kinda okay with that because it comes with lots of pomp and circumstance and i am not the pomp and circumstance girl. i just want the recognition and the check. the check could fund all of my vacation plans for the year or let me come up with some new ones. plotting a trip to new york to see Death Becomes Her and Smash. i want to see Othello but Denzel tickets are HIGH. there’s also now a ball this summer that i may or may not attend. tickets will not be cheap and i do not have a proper escort but it’s for a good cause so i may find an appropriate high backed outfit–don’t like sharing the tattoos with everyone–and call it a day.
i’m letting myself and my imagination be as inquisitive and expansive as it wants to be while also reminding my heart to dream without getting delusional. we haven’t all been on the same page in a while. i enjoy a good chase and have been a sucker for a we had to overcome so much to be here love story. i don’t want to live that though. i want to be desired, appreciated, cherished, abused a little (or a lotta) bit when the moment calls for it, and reminded that i safe. i’m going to need the reminder based on what has happened in the past. now we’re chatting a bit more. trying to sort out what happy looks like in this phase of life. i’m also more honest with myself on what i’m feeling in the moment which is new for me too. sometimes in the past when the person i had decided was my person wasn’t responding in the way i wanted, i ran to worst case scenario and could do a number on myself psychologically. now i acknowledge that it doesn’t feel good to not hear from that person but that i’m okay ultimately. like i said, bills are paid and vacations are booked or planned. i’ve refocused on my entire health and i’m overall happy. “he” will be there or “he” won’t. i say that because there’s no one officially there. just reconnecting with old friends who know i like to be hurt and like hurting me.
these moments are not promised so i don’t take them lightly. i am legitimately happy even if i don’t have enough kinky friends in my life. i’ve worked on everything else. i can just add that to the list. for right now i’m gonna go play some games, maybe read or create some smut and rest cause work starts again in the morning.