I started writing this last night under a different title but the words wouldn’t come together. When I woke up from my post breakfast nap, it all kind of crystalized in my mind. I could have called this Life as an Onion and it would have been just as accurate. I realized over the last few days that I have never had a in person kink community. I’ve never gone to a munch locally or an event within a few hours of where I lived. Do those things exist near me? They do but I have never been involved in them. I do a LOT of investigating and research before I do anything. It helps reduce my anxiety enough to go enjoy the things I ultimately end up doing. When I’ve looked locally, wherever I’ve lived, what I notice is a lack of folks of color which isn’t unexpected given where I’ve lived and folks who at least appear to have less to risk in the moment. Risk aversion is not the way I want to live my kink life but since I’m the only caretaker of an old lady that looks like me, it’s something that tinges all of my decisions.
My kink community was digital for a long time and I had developed what felt like good friendships there. Life shifts them all as they would in real life but I haven’t figured out new ways to nurture the virtual connections anymore. Some conversations I’m entirely too old for. I love a good fucking as much as they next girl but I like my dicks wrapped up tight if we’re not in a relationship and even then it can be a 50/50 deal. I’m all for empowerment of women and knowing who we are even in dynamics but I ENJOY the ABSOLUTE FUCK out of degradation play and wee bit of piss play with the right person. I don’t need to be his princess or his goddess. I need to be his toy and his slut but mostly just his. I want the person that gives me the space to be soft around him because a bitch is tired from the grown up job, bills and responsibilities. I crave the person who wants to alleviate me of some of that pressure and apply it in different ways and different orifices–sorry y’all just got distracted thinking about a dick sitting snugly in my pussy while being told not to move and interrogated. Deep sigh.
I’m too young for other conversations. My gray hair is hereditary not age based. It started before puberty kicked in good. I’m not close to retirement or slowing down. I’ve got a solid 20 years before social security is a viable option at a rate that’s high enough to relax. I haven’t lived through the high protocol training phases and have only had limited contact with the elders in the community at events that I haven’t been able to fit into my work schedule in years. I feel like I know a people but I am not known. I’m waiting to see if that shifts in some way. Maybe this next year as part of my season of intentionality (SOI) that I will dive back into in person events even if they aren’t local. I almost did in Amsterdam but I’m not a big beer or wine girl so a beer munch seems like a bad idea. Plus I don’t live there at the moment so meeting Dutch friends is great for my next visit but may not give me the community I probably need. But if I’m there during the board game munch that may the thing that grabs my attention.
Having said that my kink community suffers, I think, because my vanilla community networks across the country. Even if we don’t talk for a while there are sorority sisters, classmates and family tucked everywhere. That’s not a bad thing but most wouldn’t understand the professional person they know willingly opening her mouth up to let the man that just beat her for the last thirty minutes to piss in and on her. Which is too bad because that shit is enjoyable. I’m trying to figure out what I need in this moment but I’m not sure. Having someone to chat about kinky things would be great. I’ll figure it out maybe. There’s a lot to do between now and the end of the SOI. We’ll see how it goes.