been tinkering, with the site and my thoughts about life

I finally figured out why you couldn’t see the old background and I think I’m gonna rock with that for a bit. I got the white blocks under the sidebar. It’s not touching the frame yet but let’s do this bit by bit. I updated the logo and it’s temporary to be sure. I may pay for someone to make one, not entirely sure, but right now I feel like I’m making more progress on this being mine until I come up with something new again. So that part is just because I was feeling good and wanted to see if I could figure some things out on my own again. Moving this blog was much easier than it had been presented to me previously. That could be because the platforms are more in tune with each other now but since I wasn’t finding anyone on Etsy or anywhere else that was willing to move things for under a grand, it was either coming over with whatever I could do or it was getting relaunched. I’m happy for now and no one, or no part of the algorithm, is reporting decades old posts for no clear fucking reason.

So the other thing that has been happening is me being exposed to new random music. I almost called this post JP Saxe is the new Remy Shand. You may not know who either of those folks are. Once upon a time I would have said Remy Shand was the new Maxwell who was the new Sade and so on. The common thread for them was they have one solid album or an album’s worth of songs about relationships ending and relationships being passionate and consuming. I discover them usually when I’m happy and not at all working through relationship issues but upon hearing them I feel exposed and wondering when they got access to my inner thoughts. This most recent episode was triggered by a song I heard driving home called I Don’t Miss You. The line that got me was

I don’t miss youI just fantasize about youBeing someone who loves me

That shit hit like a ton of bricks. I don’t miss my exes. Not really. Not in the we should get back together sense of missing them. I miss talking to them sometimes and the weird things we shared in common that were just ours. I remember wanting to believe that Dutch loved me like I loved him and that was a total fantasy. I was never that delusional with Emperor. That was very transactional. I didn’t have to wonder with Mr. Wolf, Good Nyte or my Soldier. So that song tumbled me back into relationship processing and what other songs I knew by JP. And turns out he’s got a bunch of good break up songs. Some I had already invested in like If The World Was Ending and I was glad I had but it triggered my memory of a different song Little Bit Yours. Now when I heard that one I was legit like fuck you and your psychic abilities JP.

You found someone new before meAnd you didn’t try nearly as hardAnd maybe that’s the problemI don’t know how to take it away from youWithout giving someone else my heart

All I do is get over youAnd I’m still so bad at it

I let myself want youI let myself tryI let myself fall back into your eyesI let myself want youI let myself hopeI let myself feel things I know that you don’t

You’re not mine anymoreBut I’m still a little bit yours

That made me curl up in the bed again. Not last night but when I heard it. I could see my life in a video that had never been made as far as I knew. I can hear it now and just feel like I’m watching a movie of someone else’s life. If I’m being really good, I can use him to play over some of the songs from the movie Last Christmas which I loved and the George Michael songs but those make me cry like a baby too. Like I can hear these songs now and they don’t destroy any part of my psyche and on some level they make me slightly angry but that’s also dumb. We break up and we move on and giving up that much of my control to someone that doesn’t want it seems silly at best. I was once very invested in the narrative that I was broken by these relationships. I was reshaped by them sure but I wasn’t broken. I was hurt when they ended. And I have to say now I think some of that was because I felt like I was a failure. The women I knew who were my age were happily coupled in D/s dynamics and had been for years but here I was single again. And oh how I ached for each of them when they were gone. But ultimately, they weren’t coming back and to mourn that indefinitely is silly. Especially when there’s so much more to explore of the universe. I’m heading back to Amsterdam next year and I likely won’t see Dutch at all this trip. This most recent shaker of my world I will have only seen for less than a long weekend even though I may end up making his home my own one day. Not his literally home that would be creepy but you know what I mean. In the meantime, I’ll hang out and cook, tinker, and find new music that exposes my soft underbelly.