Feeling things again

Before anyone gets excited, there is no one new on the horizon.  I am just in thinking mode again which is being spurred by feeling mode.  I’m not sure if that’s good or bad given what I’m thinking but it’s all part of the process.  I felt what could only be described as a cosmic jolt when I met most of my Dominant partners.  They intrigued me emotionally and physically and I felt like there was no one else I was supposed to be with at the time.  They helped things along by either 1) pursuing me, 2) providing stimulating conversation, or 3) triggering my base cravings.  Sometimes it was all of the above and that was intoxicating.  I was reading something on Fet about collars and what they used to represent versus what they mean now and it also got me to thinking about those past relationships.  Emperor caught a double entendre and we were off to the races.  I remember seeing Good Nyte and it felt like time was moving in slow motion.  Roaming Soldier appealed to my little and my own need for safety and it felt easy.  Dutch pulled out my slut and desire to be debased.  All of those moments were intoxicating and drove my need to submit.  And that’s at the base who I am.  A submissive with an innate need to serve her partner.  My motivation is to make my partner happy and fulfill their needs.  I’m not as adept at is as some slaves that I’ve seen but it’s my goal.  The problem is, at least for me in reflection, that it takes investment from both sides to make that work the way I’m envisioning it.  So let me put up a full stop here.  That is not to say my partners were not fully invested.  Each of them gave me their best for as long as they could but each also had other things happening in their lives which meant I couldn’t be as high on the priority list for them as they were for me.  I recognize this NOW but at the time I turned myself into knots trying to figure out what I wasn’t doing that would satisfy their needs.  That isn’t a fun place to be and it drove me slightly nuts.  I think that’s why I took so long to heal because I was running through too many scenarios about why I failed or wasn’t succeeding.

One of the JP Saxe songs I was listening to talked about not blocking their ex because they needed to see them moving on.  I have never blocked an ex because the relationship itself was over and it created more angst with one than it should have the few moments I tried.  Watching them move on took my breath away from time to time.  Then there was a moment of rage and now it’s more of a did I even fit what you wanted.  I’m aware that it is silly to keep comparing myself to who they chose after met but I needed to do that to shut the door on what was going to come after them for me.  I’m ready for bliss again.  I want to explore the fantasies that have long been untapped.  I still haven’t had my superbowl party and as much as I love suit porn none of my partners have engaged in fully suited up play with me.  I want to introduce my masochist to a lovely sadist.  I’d love to be pursued but I’d also like to be left panting from time to time.  I want to envelope as much of my life in kink as I can.  I miss it so much.  Hopefully, there’s a record scratching Dom out there on the horizon.

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