Some of you may know this and others don’t, but I am the primary caretaker for my mom. In that role, I normally happily pay all of the bills and can do so usually with no big whoop. There’s money leftover but not an overwhelming amount mostly because I don’t make her buy groceries often either. Some bills are going away but inflation is quickly replacing them. I work in one of those fields under assault by this administration so we’re seeing budget and salary cuts but at least for now everyone still has a job. That’s wigging me out a bit because yes I can still cover the bills I just don’t like having less room to do so within my budget. I have a little bit of a slush fund in case things go sideways and if they really go left, I guess I could invade my 401K and pay off a chunk of the mortgage. Since they are likely going to raise the retirement age, having a property free and clear as retirement looms wouldn’t be a bad thing. I know logically I have the ability to support us but the uncertainty and cruelty is dancing in my brain more than I want because I know as a Black woman some things are going to hit both of us harder than it should because we have to take care of each other. My brother isn’t absolved but he’s got two almost college students at home and the family makes just enough that if scholarships and savings don’t help out enough then they will likely have to come out of pocket. I contemplated canceling all of my vacations for the rest of the year but I have paid for them already and this is my milestone countdown so likely gonna do them and keep it pushing. I just may not add a ton to them heading forward. I have concerts on deck but those I’m less committed to right now. I’ve seen Maroon 5 already once this year and the new album isn’t making me go yes must go lust after Adam in person. Brandy and Monica sound like they will be a good time but mom doesn’t want to go and I’m not sure if I want to spend the day before a work holiday at the venue instead of sleeping or somewhere else. Ahh well so one of the things that is clearly on my mind is finances.
The other thing is weirder for me. I haven’t been feeling terribly submissive lately. Like that part of my brain just switched off. I don’t feel dominant either. I’m just kind of existing. Maybe it’s the totally borrowed money stress that’s killing my connection to kink or maybe I’ve just given up on finding kinky connection. I’m not even sure. My ex thinks it’s that I’ve run out of patience with being single and getting mixed messages from people who seem to be interested in me. I mean that could be true but it doesn’t feel like it. I’ve been frustrated in the past and had plenty of moments were giving up on kink felt like the most logical solution but I still felt in my bones that my spirit was submissive and I wasn’t going to pretend to be otherwise just to be with someone. I’m not thinking about dating anyone right now in the vanilla realm either. Again I’m just existing. I get horny, take care of it and go to sleep but I’m not thinking about anyone right now or anything. I’m being a good girl and thinking about taking more trips honestly. Which is good because I’m gonna be on vacation for some portion of the next few weeks and then buckle down in mid August. I have a mammogram scheduled, gonna call about either a colonoscopy or the poop kit to be safe as well–too many young folks are getting diagnosed with colon cancer at way too early an age. I don’t have time to die when I’m just sorting some things out.
Completely random but it’s almost my loc anniversary and I’m debating a trim because I have a LOT OF HAIR but I’ve done things in even year cycles thus far and I like that but that would mean another year with ever increasing hair length. Gotta sort that out. It’s really not a problem. Just gets in the way sometimes and if I’m not feeling terribly submissive there’s no need to keep it super long for someone to use it as a lead. Really a first world problem but it’s on my mind. I’m also working on eating better, taking my meds and trying to move around more so that I don’t die prematurely. Just too much on my mind at once I guess. Get some rest for me because my sleep cycle is all jacked up.