Hey Folks,
I came over to share a new post and got distracted. I needed to update something in WordPress that I thought had been updated. That made me click through a few pages and realize that the side bar was only showing up correctly on the main page. Many frustrated clicks while making breakfasts later and it’s good mostly. I am trying to remember what was on the front page beyond what’s there now but memory is bad and as the title mentioned I’m tired. I updated the cast page too because it wasn’t formatted properly and there were some updates to a few of the characters. Overall though, things are stable there. I may have to come back and finish this later because the itis is setting in and I’m sleepy. Yeah eyeballs wanna shut, I’ll be back.
Woo nap for the win. Then shower and paid bills. Adulting is so much fun said incredibly sarcastically. Had a brief exchange with my brother and now I’m back to typing. This year has been interesting. I mentioned, at least I think I have, that I was spending the year leading up to my next milestone birthday doing any and everything that I wanted to do. And so far I have. That’s meant three trips to Vegas for concerts with friends and alone, one trip to Vegas to hang out with my sorority sisters and added a concert just cause, a trip to Montreal where I got to meander and watch tennis, a trip to New York to see a bunch of Broadway shows, one local concert and another booked. The only thing I haven’t figured out is where to spend the milestone birthday. I could go back to where I kicked things off last year but I think the Dutch passport control folks will start to wonder if I’m moving weed. Okay that’s maybe conjecture. I’ve only been twice in the last few years but in terms of where my passport gets stamped the most, it’s been Schipol Airport. I still need to coordinate a trip to South Africa as well but not gonna do that for my birthday.
I’m tired now mostly because three of those activities happened within a month of each other and I’ve been in meetings most of last week. Also, spent most of the night chatting and then masturbating with Mr. Good Nhyte listening in and debating my life plan as it were. This video feature Alyson Stoner also was playing into how I’ve been looking at this year overall. I’ve had a good year honestly. Won more awards, got approved for a grant, lost a side hustle, still getting invites to more side hustles, like legitimately things are good in so many ways. Reconnecting with The Dutchman over my birthday trip was unanticipated and revelatory in ways I wasn’t anticipating but I don’t think I had fully sat with what was revealed during our build up and then hook up. I’m going to come back to that in a second. This year has felt like one where I was rediscovering myself. I tease one of my friends about being a sensitive thug. I think I’ve been operating in that space for a while myself. With people who bring it out of me I’m like tissue paper soft. With other folks I’m a sanding pad. It’s really up to that person what part of me they get. Over this year, with each trip, each experience, each break from regularly scheduled programming, I have remembered that I enjoy my softness and not having to wait for someone to pull it out of me. Appreciating music more, laughing at TV and movies more, getting frustrated but working on solutions more, and being committed to taking care of me more all have been apart of this year and I love that so much. There’s been loss as well. That made me consider how I handle those folks on the fringes of my life and I’m working on that too. And honestly I think the biggest adjustment for me was not feeling bad about any of that. Normally I’d beat myself up for not doing better and not doing it immediately but I’m taking the steps I can as I can and I’m just trying to do my best every day.
Okay so back to The Dutchman and by odd circumstance Mr. Good Nhyte. I didn’t plan on seeing The Dutchman, he was insistent and honestly it was a very healing part of the trip for me and possibly for him. We talked about life and what went awry and he talked about being in therapy and talking about me which caught me off guard for some reason. But beyond that conversation, physically being with him again confirmed that something deep in my spirit is still connected to him. Not in the same way as before or maybe with more clarity than before though I didn’t have the words for it until I watched the video. Logically I knew his life was always going to be complicated in ways in which mine is not. Yes I have to take care of my mother but that’s mostly straightforward and done in some collaboration with my brother but that isn’t required. Whereas, he’s still raising kids and co-parenting and dealing with some health challenges. As I slept that night after we saw one another and then in the months since I have acknowledged that I still care about him but also I have done so without being devastated if I didn’t hear from him. Might I be sad yep but not for days on end like before. We discussed what I needed and he tries but also acknowledges when that try didn’t work well. And yep I’ve been frustrated from time to time but one thing keeps happening. He keeps showing back up and trying again. And I realized that whatever connection we had didn’t have to be what everyone else has with their partner. My friend was angrier for me than I was and really the words came as I was watching the video. He can be my person without having to be that in a specific kind of way. I’m letting the relationship just be whatever it is meant to be and not trying to force it into my relations are X schema. I mean I’ve stopped doing that to some extent in general when I entered into kink but this is much more deliberate. I was thinking vanilla even as I was dating kinky because to be a partner this person needed to do ABC and that was just a disconnect that didn’t need to be happening. I was relaying some of this to Mr. Good Nhyte the other day and he said men talk about pivotal relationships in therapy and that he too had talked about me in therapy in what sounds like the same general context. Regrets, one that got away, things he wishes he could have done over. And much like it had in December that caught me off guard. Not because we didn’t have regrets at the end just because I never think I’m therapy worthy conversation but apparently I’m wrong lol. I sent the video to both of them. I’m not sure either has watched it in its entirety which to be fair is fine. The crux of the video is nearly fifty minutes. I shared with both of them that what I took from the video was a desire to not force any relationship to be anything it wasn’t meant to be. That I hadn’t done that well before and I regret it. That I thought I was in a better place to attempt to be a good partner now especially if I was going to be poly and not monogamous. But also that I wasn’t sure monogamy worked for my life anyway because I don’t have space now to be everything to anyone and I’m aware enough that there are few people that could be everything to me. Even the two of them would work better for me as a weird triad or however many partners we ended up with as I was dating them primarily. They are both sadistic little dream boats but they provide different outlets outside of that and even in their sadism have different skill sets. Like I think The Dutchman could fist me easier than Mr. Good Nhyte just based on hand size but it would totally be like a hype your bestie up situation if either of them did it. They don’t mind sharing me and have said so independently to me in the past because I can turn into a fuck bunny and drain even the most willing victim.
So yeah. I could nap all of the days and still nap some more. And I’m not falling over myself in love but I love those men and have to some degree since I met them both. My life is richer with them in it than when they are gone. However, whatever is meant to be there is just going to have to be. And I can exist and thrive with or without that being more defined than it is. There was actually relief in acknowledging that to myself. Now that doesn’t mean I’m not open to new possibilities and that there isn’t some mythical man who could be my absolute ball of wonder waiting to claim me. I’ve been around a while both in kink spaces and on the planet and I haven’t met him yet so I’m not holding my breath but hey I’m up to be proven wrong. Right now, I’m just gonna enjoy the last major tennis tournament of the year and enjoy the rest of this birthday countdown. If you have ideas about where I should spend it let me know.