so much has happened since the last time i posted. someone of it was likely happening during that post and i just hadn’t processed it yet but all of that is on the table now. so there was drama during the girls trip and i left more disconnected from some of those folks than i had been before we arrived. i can’t say that has changed much in the ensuing months but other things have. over the course of a few days i lost another line sister and an old friend and it kind of sat me on my ass. i hadn’t been super close to either in a minute and that made me reflect on the whys and that made me want to do anything but think about it. i didn’t gather my thoughts for almost a month after they both died and then shit at work started hitting the fan because of our feckless leadership. i was glad that i had things to look forward to because if not i might have sank into a deep dark space and had difficulty climbing out.
i added another trip back to Vegas to see Bruno Mars and then a few days later i took my parental unit to a concert because she never goes anywhere and i thought it would be good for her. it was a blast and the photos are amazing. if you think we are cool like that, feel free to ask to see a few of them. flight back was amazing cause we had 180 ish seat plane and only 100 ish of us on the flight so i had a row to myself. that created a weird moment in my brain that has been playing off and on since then. i dozed off for a bit after reading my book and i started thinking about riding someone in reverse cowgirl while they slammed up into me and choked me with just enough pressure to melt and call me depraved things in my ear. i woke up with a start but felt the sensation of being full the rest of the flight and on my drive home. i never saw his face and couldn’t place his voice even if i wanted to do so. there’s no one pending so it’s not that either. legitimately i don’t know what it was other than an overactive imagination.
i was floating a bit if i’m being honest and then i heard that one of my mentors from graduate school had died and her funeral was the day after i landed from this most recent Vegas trip. but early enough and far enough away that it was unlikely that i would be able to make it. i didn’t and i’m sad about that. but more sad that another layer of that part of my life is gone. like i don’t know what to do with any of that thought. work keeps getting more and more of a shit show and i really wish there was a hand on my throat right now. the only positive thing i can say right now is i think my Dutch practice is finally starting to work even though i wish i was just back in class with my old Dutch instructor but she’s gone too. lots of loss and change and i’m sure it will be fine eventually. but if i didn’t commit to taking better care of myself this year i’d be a mess.
my surprise vacation is now the last week of july and we’ll see about the other things that are on tap. i’m pausing the meds that keep my autoimmune disorder in some semblance of control because i need to get a live vaccine if i want to go to Ghana. if my body won’t tolerate it then i’ll hop back on it and will have to make a plan B for African travel. i really do want that hand on my throat. has nothing to do with Ghana just my brain stuck on repeat.