I should really be half asleep

As the title says I should still be semi unconscious, but I’m planning something so when my alarm went off and I saw a response from my contact person I sat up and then was shocked by the new expense.  I have already emailed them in a hopeful negotiation but I may have to remove that plan from our upcoming trip.  That would suck, it’s one of the best parts of the trip but such is life.  I should have known my planning and hopefulness would be rewarded with a curve ball I couldn’t anticipate entirely.  Sorry my eyes darted up to watch tennis for a second because they are live in Asia somewhere.

And now that I’m up I’m having the dance that I have every so often with D/s.  I understand myself to be submissive.  I understand that for me I only respond well and honestly with dominant partners.  I also understand because of my work, where I live, how I look and who I am attracted to that finding a partner in my area almost never happens.  GN was the closest one to me and he was still several hours away until we moved in together.  RS and Emperor were both several states away.  Neither was within driving distance for a quick visit when we both may have wanted to see each other.  Actually that applied to Mr. Wolf as well because he was about the same distance away, I was just in a different state than with the others.  And the Dutchman was on a whole different continent with a literal ocean between us.  I’m sure you’re wondering what the geography lesson has to do with my early morning realization so I’ll just tell you.  In these moments, I wonder what it is I’m hoping to get from D/s and how long I want to wait for it when there are perfectly good vanilla men who think they are kinky out there.  They may not give me what it is I need but they may scratch that itch for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not expecting ideal vanilla man to show up immediately either.  I’m picky as hell.  This morning however, I’m wondering why I am waiting.  I read a thread the other day about people settling to just be with someone and I don’t want this to be that kind of thing either.  I’d prefer to have what I want.  Being single indefinitely to achieve that doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense to me either though.  I think I’m just sleep deprived or tired because knowing myself I couldn’t be content if there’s not the threat of mutually agreed upon violence from time to time.  Ahh well, back to tennis.

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