only a few of my exes ever felt like they radically shifted my understanding of myself, sacrifice and love in general. that is not to say that the others were not important to me or didn’t impact me in significant ways. it just means that my brain isn’t saying why didn’t that work out about them. Emperor wanted someone more traditionally attractive than i would ever be. preferably with lighter skin who was thinner. that’s all good. i couldn’t morph into his ideal person and we parted easily enough. Roaming Solider had a daughter he needed to reconnect to and adding in a friendly but relative stranger to that process was not ideal and i understood. Mr. Wolf felt neglected and i couldn’t blame him for that. i mean i could but they were his feelings so i was briefly enraged but not sad at the ending of that situation. i grew as a person from each of those situations and many of my vanilla relationships as well but hurt was only present with a few of them. i mean genuine bone deep hurt because i thought i had found my person. my forever person. i was wrong but kind of like an old person when the weather shifts i can feel that bone deep hurt randomly. i just did a compatibility chart based on our birthdays to see if i missed something and i swear i felt smacked in the face. since you may not read both posts, i’m going to include that first blurb and then say the first chart/last relationship is what i’ll be discussing now.
so legitimately it took me much longer than i wanted to before i could say my energy shifted into receptive mode for any new connection. shortly after i did, i got a flirty message on fetlife. it started from a thread in a group i cannot remember at all now about movie titles and we flipped one or two words around based on the post ahead of ours. mine was the butterfly effect. he noted the butterfly on my breast and the rest is kinky history. like really dead history but i digress. he sparked something beautiful and wild in me. i felt like he could read my mind and i was desperate to not have to explain myself to anyone. interestingly enough, the chart said essentially that but in reverse. that i was pulling things out of him as we deepened our red hot connection. but it also said that we just didn’t see life the same way and that one of us was going to eventually get frustrated if they couldn’t figure out how to compromise how they lived and loved in order to be content with the things that could be really really good between us. and yes it was right and yes that’s what happened. and if my bones hurt after there was no more Good Nyte, they felt hollowed out and brittle after the Dutchman faded away. Mr. Wolf tried to repair me and eventually i solidified enough to be functional but the absence provoked confusion. how could we go from where we were at the beginning to where i was now alone? it got so bad at one point i nearly allowed someone to try to blank him from my brain a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. i didn’t go through with it. i needed to pull up my big girl panties and take off the nipple clamps and remove the ball gag.
so i did and i tried to reach out to you. i think i did it badly. no i know i did it badly. i just wanted to be a butterfly in your world again. i just wanted to have your devious gaze on me, making me drip, making me beg and crawl. making me sigh contentedly because i was a good cunt. the fact that i smiled at all when you called me a cunt. i needed that peace in my life again and i was leading with my heart not my head. i think i’m only able to talk to GN now because i could be a friend and not a needy panty demanding little thing who wanted your attention. i’m sorry for not being a better friend and a better submissive. i know that Doms have their own responsibilities outside of our dynamics but my world had crystalized around you and i just felt vacant and unheard when you disappeared. logically i get it but again my bones felt different, rewritten with the bits of me that you broke and elevated into a deeper version of my depravity. and i have only just felt strong enough to want someone else to be that person for me now. the available options just don’t give me butterflies and threats of baseball bat abuse. i didn’t realize that my love language was really degradation mixed with a little bit of maniacal violence until i met you. and saying that to others just makes me sound a little deranged if they aren’t ready for the hurt i crave. the hurt i need to function properly. i want to thank you for warming me up from a deep kink sleep and allowing me to flourish again. i’m not entirely glad that you’re not hurting me but i am glad that you are engaged and exploring again. i’ll miss what could have been and what will never be but also thank you for all the things i can’t say out loud because it might shatter the resolve i have carefully pieced together. i may just imagine sitting naked at your side from time to time my dear Mr. Dutchman. and i wish that whomever is doing that with you or for you now appreciates the gift that your time and attention can be when you are on the same page, especially when you are smiling.