i keep forgetting we’re not in love anymore part one

only a few of my exes ever felt like they radically shifted my understanding of myself, sacrifice and love in general.  that is not to say that the others were not important to me or didn’t impact me in significant ways.  it just means that my brain isn’t saying why didn’t that work out about them.  Emperor wanted someone more traditionally attractive than i would ever be.  preferably with lighter skin who was thinner.  that’s all good.  i couldn’t morph into his ideal person and we parted easily enough.  Roaming Solider had a daughter he needed to reconnect to and adding in a friendly but relative stranger to that process was not ideal and i understood.  Mr. Wolf felt neglected and i couldn’t blame him for that.  i mean i could but they were his feelings so i was briefly enraged but not sad at the ending of that situation.  i grew as a person from each of those situations and many of my vanilla relationships as well but hurt was only present with a few of them.  i mean genuine bone deep hurt because i thought i had found my person.  my forever person.  i was wrong but kind of like an old person when the weather shifts i can feel that bone deep hurt randomly.  i just did a compatibility chart based on our birthdays to see if i missed something and i swear i felt smacked in the face.  so i’m going to start with the first relationship/last chart and tell you what i need to say to them maybe one day.

much like the stupid chart said we did not fall in love immediately.  we were friends and randomly connected for a long time.  and then as i was setting off to be a good friend it felt like the world shifted when we met up.  the friendly banter got flirty.  the flirty got out of pocket and still it took years before we crossed a line from friends to more than that.  the chart agreed about other things like our easy of relating to one another and the intensity of our sexual connection, the fact that i saw a parental figure in you some times and depended on your guidance to an extent.  it talk about our ability to make each other better and to communicate easily.  and all of that made me sigh because that’s why i missed you when you left.  it was the source of my disappointment in knowing you wouldn’t be coming back for perfectly good reasons.  it is why i took a long time before i entertained anyone else because part of me needed you to choose me.  only rational brain me finally allowed me to hear the flirtation from someone else years after you were gone.  i’m glad that we reconnected and while it is more like old friends who used to see each other naked instead of old friends who want to be more than that, i’m glad you’re back in my life.  my bones don’t know how to read it though.  they feel the person that made them sleep better tucked into you.  and the person that started to harness that inner slut to full robust life.  and the person that convinced them that if dragons were real that he would slay them for them.  my brain has to step in again and say no that isn’t the case and it’s okay bones.  maybe someone will return us to that state or maybe they won’t but let’s be glad we felt it at all.  then all of me cries a little.  for what we had, for what we didn’t get a chance to have.  and then i have to smile a bit internally because for a long moment i was safe and protected in the bubble you made for us.  and while i know bubbles have to burst, part of me still wishes we had that time and that space again.  maybe i’d do things differently.  maybe things would have a different outcome.  maybe not.  i’m happy that you are still around.  and i’m overjoyed that my friend loves himself enough to finally start taking care of himself.  you are amazing and wonderful and forgive me if i have a moment or two of amnesia where i just want to be the little spoon while you whisper in my ear until i fall asleep.  it was always such a good night with you Mr. Good Nyte.

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