New Toy, New Work, Old Habits, Enjoying Peace

I may revisit it before bed but I got a new toy from Mr. Hankeys called kthulu.  It felt so nice all stuffed inside of me and I am glad I got the small and not the medium because I may have ruined my girly bits trying to keep it inside of me.  I recorded videos and shared them out with a few folks.  One who told me he wanted to tongue fuck me and let me just be clear that man used to make pussy eating into a damn near Olympic sport.  If I had any domme tendencies I would use his mouth as my personal chair.  GN told me my pussy was pretty and that will just make a girl blush lol.  No other feedback has arrived as of yet but it doesn’t matter cause I was good and horny.  It made me think of the story I wrote a million years ago about how I’d like to spend a milestone birthday getting railed and beaten by men who like to fuck and hurt me.  Not sure if it will happen but I’m motivated for the next one to see what we can arrange.  I miss being slutty.  College was fun because we were all big, largely safe, sluts and no one was heavily invested in what we should be doing.  The benefit of youth I guess because as we age, there’s so much on the line and so much judgement that I can’t stroll into the office talking about riding some man until he split me open and choked me until I was loopy as fuck.  I’m not sure I told a ton of people in college but I wasn’t this hush hush about dick finding my sweet spot.

I’m working on things for my promotion because I have to.  I was worried about finding things to support my case but the more I looked the more I found.  Now I just need to rewrite some statements and leave it alone.  I’m also doing new things with the sorority which are going to maybe tax my nerves but we’ll see.  I think I’m in good position but I’m just tired of having to justify my position.  Having said that I also got a review of something I write in time to put it in the case and the review was amazing so fuck that noise we’re happy.  Also pitched some new ideas that were well received so going to explore that as well.

As I was take a brief break from my promotion work, I pulled up fetlife and felt a sharp stabby pain in the region of my heart.  I say region because it didn’t crush me like it would have six months or a year ago but it kinda pissed me off.  Then I started pondering more things and it pissed me off even more.  There are so many things I legit don’t understand about what went wrong with him but I also can’t make him explain that to me.  I can want all of the answers but not entitled to them.  I let myself feel the annoyance and the disappointment and very briefly sad.  Then I shut that shit down and got back to work.  No more derailing my brain for hours on end and crying to myself that nothing will ever feel like that did.  It won’t.  It probably shouldn’t.  For all that was good about it, reflecting on the communication gaps and other things that should have been easier to resolve than they were, there’s stuff that could have been better and that’s on my part  too.  I was trying to be everything and not being present to attend to my needs or his.  So yeah I felt the start of a spiral and then said FUCK it.  Then I saw some suit porn too and was super happy.

Now I’m chilling because my favorites won today at tennis.  Hoping that one of my not favorites is beaten soon but can’t bank on that.  Mom has been high key annoying as well and instead of me overly engaging, I disengaged and took care of what I needed to do instead of trying to make her come around to my side of things.  I’m working on intentional self-care and tending to my needs as much as I can.  I’m still in hunt of the masturbation chair but getting closer to understanding some things may not work and pivoting to an acceptable plan b or c or d.  When I slip, and I know I will, I’m going to keep bringing myself back to center as I have been lately.  Keep your fingers crossed.  You might be hearing about some smutty updates or get some new erotica.  Either way I’m going to engage where I’m welcomed and happy as much as I can.

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