in recovery mode

i am two days out from submitting the major project that i have to submit if i want a promotion.  not quite two days because i submitted it at 5pm on Friday but close to two days.  it took the better part of six months to pull together, remember little meticulous parts of how the project is set up, and then to let it go into the universe.  i think i nailed it but honestly i don’t get to make that decision.  many many people do and it’s a lengthy process.  i’m hoping that since there are not a ton of us in this evaluation cycle that it won’t drag on for the first few stages but legitimately do not know.  what i can say now is i did my best to express my value in this project and i’m proud of that work.

over the course of the six months it took to pull together there were several setbacks in believing that i was good enough for the promotion and residual emotions flared up with a variety of my exes but the ones for the Dutchman sent me on a tailspin about a month ago.  i know it’s my own fault for not blocking him from my line of sight on fetlife and maybe sometimes soon i’ll be able to separate from that last tie.  i know that we can change and find new things and people attractive all the time but i was doing a bit of comparison–yes i know not healthy either–and realizing that 90 percent or more of the people he seems to have been attracted to since we drifted out of each other’s lives don’t look anything like me.  not skin tone, not body size, not anything.  if i was vain i’d say it’s because he can’t have me so he’s finding the opposite me.  since i’m not vain i was wondering if i was the anomaly in this not the prototype.  that was a brain fuck i didn’t need in the middle of feeling like i still had to justify my existence with people who take total advantage of what i do on a regular basis.  it made me frustrated and sad and i just wanted to curl up and cry after my mood settled.  i moved on, because i always move on but i was frustrated with myself that even part of me still cared and then i realized something.  it’s what has delayed this post a few days.

i always care about people who have been important in my life.  the ones with the most impact to potentially wound my psyche usually don’t have access to me or vice versa. or if they do, we have resolved whatever there is hanging out there to resolve as much as we can.  i still talk to GN and i’m in contact with a few of my vanilla exes or hookups.  there’s no harm no foul there.  i flirt with them and they flirt back lol.  but there’s been no resolution with the Dutchman.  it’s a wound that pops up and stitches back up over and over again.  i honestly don’t know how to get that resolution either because we have not had a conversation about anything at all since he stepped away from me.  i’ve seen a few open letters and i have debated writing one myself because i know that almost no one would see it and definitely not the person that would be able to help resolve things.  but here we are and open letters are mostly for the writer and whomever chooses to receive it. except there isn’t a reason to do this to myself.  i just need to continue to move on.  there are not words to make it better for myself or anyone else.  it hurts because i’m dealing with it and not pretending it never happened.  i need to finish making my slow roasted beef for sandwiches.  i had my leftover turkey meatballs and some leftover Italian sausage and a few bits of cheese.  life is going to keep lifing regardless of the momentary setbacks.  that’s all it was.

i sent out four messages to see if i could find myself a debauchery tour.  we’ll see what comes of that.  y’all be good.


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