when my spirit is weary

image of space with connected red lines

Image taken from Ambient Geek Sleep Aids

It’s very much feast or famine for me some days when it comes to the energy I have to expend and the ways in which I am willing to expend it.  I have felt that energy depleting lately and honestly I don’t particularly like it.  There’s just not enough time to breath and be happy before the next thing and the next thing are on tap.  I haven’t gone on a thing that looks like a vacation in a long time.  I haven’t even allowed myself to plan it because I don’t trust that something or someone won’t interrupt it.  But I’m legitimately exhausted.  It was good to see my friends a few weeks ago but I got to see them randomly and briefly.  It’s been so long since I’ve had a good spanking that I don’t know what I would do if I got one now.  The last few days I got the urge to soak in the tub.  Let me body melt into hot water except I don’t have a tub because I got walk in showers instead of tubs when we built the house.  Mom is older and I don’t know that she’ll remain upstairs indefinitely.  Didn’t want to have to realign the bathroom if she needed my room in the future.  I’m always planning further out in the future than I want to be but it’s because I want some semblance of control over what is happening even when I don’t like it.

The other thing that is percolating for me right now is feeling disconnected from kink in a way.  I’ve been single for a while which in and of itself is not a huge thing.  But I’m missing that peace and release that comes from being owned and monitored by someone other than myself.  Taking care of mom, work, my community ties, outside of work responsibilities and myself is exhausting.  I can’t turn over all of that to someone else but if they could manage me for five minutes or more than would be great.  I was chatting with GN a few days ago about being frustrated with the D/s prospects in my life and that wandered into do I have a type territory.  To my mind, no I don’t have a type because everyone has been so different from each other.  Even in how they have approached domination from Doms to Daddy Doms to Sadists to that one off Master and to people who really only get joy from dominating someone sexually.  The only thing that some of the folks that have been more engaging to me had in common were either current or previous marriages.  The previous marriage crew had lost their wives tragically.  The currently married collective picked women for great reasons but the kink connection was missing for both of them.  I doubt my presence triggered understanding of that but they could explore with me things they couldn’t with their partners.  Of that collective, only one got divorced and I was not the catalyst for that.  I know you are probably wondering where this is going but GN posed a question/shared a thought with me that maybe my job is to make them consider what is really important to them as men in relationships and if it works out then we’re good and if it doesn’t I at least made them think before I moved on along the universe.  One is still married, unhappily so in lots of respects, but he has his kids and is committed to making sure they are well taken care of even if it means he doesn’t pursue his own happily ever after at the moment or any moment.  Another got divorced, and he seems to be doing better and is a passionate connected father.  It’s interesting watching both from a distance but ultimately doesn’t do much to resolve my single status.  I miss the chills and lust and passion but there’s apparently no one I need to set on the right pathway right now because there’s no one even actively wanting to explore anything with me.

Both situations make me feel invisible sometimes.  Those and something else but that’s a me issue as well.  I don’t share kink with people outside of it because trusting them to not share things is not something I’ll do easily.  They don’t understand my work and my schedule.  All they know is I don’t hang out when they want to hang out not considering drinking in crowded spaces is not my scene anymore.  It made me start thinking of the musical Chicago and Mr. Cellophane.  If someone doesn’t need me they will actively ignore me.  Maybe not actively.  Maybe it’s passively.  The point is if they don’t have to most folks don’t even consider that I may not be doing well.  If I don’t say anything for weeks at a time, there’s no recognition of that.  When I do say something, if someone else speaks up right after then whatever contribution I made is overlooked.  It’s all exhausting.  And the one thing that might give me some peace isn’t accessible at all.  Let me go find a snack and take a nap.

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