What can I offer you?

I went to be floating on realization and slightly fearful the universe would walk it back when I woke up.  It has not and all is good.  I also went to bed after reading an exchange in a group I’m not a member of on Fetlife.  About the wall of text women put up covering what they are looking for without what they are willing to offer in return.  That’s valid.  I looked at my page and while I tell you who I am in some depth I don’t know that you fully get what I may be giving you in a dynamic.  You being the global fictional partner and no one in particular because no one is in my DMs trying to become that person.  Or if they are they are not being overt enough about it.  Be convinced I will not pick up on subtle flirting.  Double entendre and innuendo oh yeah, I’m gonna take and run with that but you actually seriously being interested will go over my head.  I won’t rehash a former partner telling me I was being slow for missing his very obvious in retrospect flirting.  Just know that if you are interested you are going to have say as much.

I had some smutty things in mind last night but that’s not all I am so let me start at the beginning and hope it all makes sense.  The first thing I know I can offer you is conviction of my position.  That will sound silly but I found kink over twenty years ago now.  There has never been a moment in those ensuing years that I have veered from my desire to kneel at the right person’s feet.  To find ways to make their ownership of me rewarding and worthwhile.  To provide comfort and help relieve stressors where possible.  To give of myself openly and willingly when we were together and to look after myself as well as possible when we were apart.  I am a submissive with masochistic traits and the potential for slave level devotion with the right partner.

I am both smart and a smart ass.  I will rarely say that I’m smart because it sounds like bragging to me but I have three degrees, am in charge of lots of thing and am usually one of the first people consulted about new projects.  I have three books published, two kinky and one wholly not kinky, and at least three articles out there.  I lost count so don’t press me on that.  When I have downtime, I can read a book in a few hours.  I have a Jeopardy brain for bits of information.  I am teaching myself Dutch with the lovely language apps and I know French, a bit of Latin, super limited Spanish and just enough German to know that it overlaps with Dutch.  I cook, bake, manage a whole separate human that I call mom, and tend to see how to solve problems four steps ahead of everyone else.  Having said all of that I’m a smart ass that’s kinda goofy.  I can joke about almost anything.  And if I know something entertains you I will file it away for later use.  How does that benefit you?  Depends on what how you want me to apply it.  I can manage or find out how to manage lots of things.  And I will make you giggle like no one else.

I’m finding out that I have a masochistic streak that’s deeper than I thought it was.  My love of pain has emerged over time but the depth that I am wanting to explore is newish.  Each former partner has pushed me a little further along the path to where I am now which is wanting to fully explore the physical limits of masochism with someone that is safe to do so.  Yes please spank me and yes please tie me down.  Yes please restrain me and dehumanize me a bit.  Yes please try to bruise me, beat me, choke me and make me cry.  But, and I apologize, you’re going to have to watch me because I will slip into an endorphin driven place in which my decision making prowess will disappear.  All that big brain energy disappears when I’m high.  In addition to the physical aspects of masochism, I was able to explore a bit of not having a will outside of my dominant’s.  One partner pushed on the tethers of my boundaries until I was more than happy to turn over control of my orgasms, bladder and desires to him.  The name he gave me titillated me like nothing else but it wasn’t close to my name and you definitely cannot use it.  Even when he allowed me to have sex with a different partner because he and I were so far apart, all of that energy and pleasure was ultimately his.  I was a tool using a tool to make him happy.  And I loved it.  I love to surrender to someone that can aid in my degradation.  That may sound like more work than a benefit but I promise the perks are pretty stellar.

I can offer you the benefit of self-improvement.  I have been very focused the last few years committing to the educational side of the lifestyle as well as doing the self-work I needed to do in order to be healthy for a new partner.  I didn’t always do that between breakups because I mired myself in the emotion of it.  And while I needed to heal, I also needed to take stock of what went wrong and my role in it.  I think I’m much better at acknowledging those things and accepting there are no easy answers when a dynamic ends.  And not learning how to be a better submissive or how to enhance my service is silly.  A lot of what I learned can only be applied in a traditional dynamic in which we are together pseudo regularly but I’m always up for figuring out how to modify things on the fly.

Finally, I have come to a place where I can offer you a loving heart or not.  I have tended to fall head over heels in my dynamics with little prodding.  That has not worked out well in a lot of cases.  So while I may care about you, likely deeply, I’m not engaging in an overtly romantic dynamic without us both being in the same headspace about doing so because I don’t want those emotions to get in the way of an otherwise healthy arrangement.  We all come to kink for different need fulfillment and I think I had a misconception of how a kink relationship and a vanilla relationship worked.  They seem the same–because I am kinky and my vanilla relationships always had that as an underlay–but they are not the same.  Pledging my undying love to a partner who is happy with me but no where near love is likely overwhelming and off putting.  This season in my submission has taught me more than I thought it would.  And even if we end up blissfully stupidly in love, we need to take time to develop the dynamic in a healthy way before I start dreaming of happily ever after with a white picket fence out front and a much better (I assume, I’ve never seen the movies or read the books) red room somewhere in the house.

So that’s it for now, what red has to offer to the right person in the right moment.

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