i’ve been chatting with folks about different things and keep coming to the same conclusion. my heart is perpetually open to new experiences when i’m healthy. while i’m healing, i’m rehashing and wondering what i could have done differently to not be in the middle of healing again. once i’m on that precipice of healed and healing, i have this plane of clarity is all i can call it in which i can be rational about what has transpired to that point. during all of that, i hear music coaxing me along the way.
if you were around and observing–and i have literally no reason to think you were either of those things–when i was in my serving two Dominants phase you would have noticed me in the middle of the Jill Scott song that is running through my head right now. Can’t Explain is about Jill recognizing she was absolutely wrong in one relationship and how it came back to bite her in the ass later. now i was more transparent than Jill was in that we all knew about each other but the connections i had to both men were entirely different and i said this before that i was playing different relationship positions with both of them. i was rushing after one and keeping the other at a distance. the one that was clear in what they wanted should have been the one i was rushing after if people looking from the outside had a say. except i didn’t want those things and had been clear about that from the beginning so i felt justified in not diving in to let something flourish that was not going to be fulfilling for me. and that big old heart thought it could love the other one beyond the parameters he had in place. that was also unfair and it was ultimately unwise. i had to wade through emotions i created for myself to fully crater that psychological connection we had. it’s a tricky thing to get into the mind of a submissive like myself. i think all of the time, about a myriad of things. and when i’m in fully formed submissive mode, the parts of my brain that aren’t needed to take care of daily needs and do my job are consumed with how to please, serve and draw a smile out of my person. so it makes sense that in chasing one and not the other that i ended up without them both and just hearing music that reminds me of needing to do better.
all of my relationships in general could be captured under Stupendo Fino A Qui if i’m being honest. things are amazing until they aren’t. and when they aren’t they just aren’t. doesn’t diminish the emotions that were there and how great the person may have been. they just weren’t my forever person and no amount of swelling music could make it better indefinitely. it is a great song though.
as i was adding that tidbit another song popped into my head that made me think about when i’m the giggle infested happy submissive girl. Sugar on its surface should have absolutely nothing to do with me. but it mentions my name during the break and that always makes me happy. but it’s upbeat and positive and it makes me want to curl up in someone’s lap every time i hear it. most of Maroon 5 does that for different reasons though. Goodnight, Goodnight is a heart wrenching song but it makes me want to curl up and hold on tight to someone instead of sighing absentmindedly. and i am a sucker for any guitar progression that works like this one so there’s that. i used to think Adam could have been boo thing, he struck me as someone with a twisted streak that i could embrace. publicly embarrassing his wife is no bueno so i had to chill on that for a while but he might be one of the only white dudes i would fuck happily.
in the random in between times i hear lots and lots of random songs. mostly because i just really like music but the composer to all of this is Prince. there’s likely a song i haven’t heard recently but not that many i haven’t heard. he’s been boo thing since i was 11 and there will never be a moment where he’s not. was in love with his mind and music and i can’t link my favorites because they are in crates and not online but just know that if you’re talking to me more than likely there’s a song that i will associate with you or be thinking of when we are talking. ask if you are curious.