insomnia my old friend, we meet again

i’ve been on the verge of sleep for hours and then nothing happens.  i’m up on telegram chatting as a result which led me back to look up something on fetlife which led me to my inbox which led me to an old message from someone that was very important to me.  it’s a message i’ve read before, but tonight in reading the whole dialogue between us, i realized it didn’t hurt anymore.  the unrealized dreams and desires and wants were still there and they were kind of bittersweet but the pain that normally followed seeing an exchange from them would gut me until i could distract myself with something else.  it also made me realize that despite me caring about them and hoping they were well, that i was no longer waiting for them to resurface in my life.  it took a long time to get here so sorry if you don’t understand why it warrants a whole post instead of quiet reflection.  i need to document it for myself.  the exchange kind of perfectly captured our dynamic towards the middle/end.  me vomiting emotion and pain and longing and desire and regret.  them responding in the way that they had accessible to them at the time and engaging just enough to remind me of why i had fallen so deeply for them in the first place.  and then nothing for so long i was convinced i’d been abandoned, again.  i was being dramatic in my head.  their life didn’t flow as easily as mine and i wasn’t as understanding as i could have been.  i could have stepped back and just been supportive but i needed them so badly i couldn’t breathe some days.  but i kept breathing and i kept moving and i kept missing them sporadically until recently.  we still don’t talk but they look happy.  and i am euphoric some days and i’m good most of the rest of the time.  i don’t know what forces in the universe are granting me these moments of peace but i will gladly take it.  so yeah i went on a circuitous sleep deprived adventure but arriving at this random destination is so worth it.

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