This post will not be shared outside of this site. No one is reading this space and I am aware of that so it’s safer to share here than elsewhere. This post will also ramble so be prepared for whatever foolishness emanates from my fingers coming forward. My brain has to be actively distracted before I move on to something else. When I’m stressed, I tend to need to put on music so that I can sing and try to string more songs together so that I can move past whatever it is for at least a little bit. Otherwise, I’m impulsive and I can overshare because I’ve gotten fixated on whatever I’m thinking about in that moment. My brain has also settled into a weird amalgamation of things because I’m weird. I believe in a higher power–not sure if it’s male or female, God or Buddah or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or if it’s listening ever, but I also believe in reincarnation/past lives, astrology, fading to nothingness, psychology, and self-care as a necessary tool to keep oneself sane. To that end, both of my astrological signs (Western and Asian) indicate if I don’t find my soul’s partner this cycle then it will float alone indefinitely. Or maybe that I gotta start this whole process over but regardless think more Defending Your Life and less I will always find you. Along the way, I have settled into an additional thought for that through line that I think I’ve mentioned before but that I’m not going to look for now. I have always “dated like a man” per my friends and most of my former partners. Which in this case means that I am good with casual sex and open relationships to a point. I was living my best sex life in college post a breakup with my HS ex and short of it being kink deficient I enjoyed the hell out of it. The dating was good. It’s what happened when I clicked with someone that was a problem. Because remember, dating like a man me is pretty chill. Connected me, well that bitch is problematic. At least for me. She’s probably confusing to everyone else.
When something mid hang out, kiss or coitus sparks inside of me I fall head over heels and I don’t even recognize that I’ve done it sometimes. Not immediately. So now I’m not exactly dating like a woman but I am definitely not chill and good with everything. I FEEL things intensely and I despise it especially because I know that more than likely my partner is not reciprocating those emotions. Like I know these things and my heart is just sitting there going but bitch look at him. Look at how he makes you feel. Look at what you COULD do together. And let me just say I have a vivid imagination and we maybe could be amazing but that’s not what they signed up for and changing the game later is neither appreciated or likely to get me what I want. In my vanilla life, it was easier, not easy but easier to move beyond folks. There was another person to play with and I could lament the situation with my vanilla friends. Even my first official kink dynamic didn’t derail me like now. He replaced me with someone I knew to be a liar and regretted it. I also knew I was not his physical ideal so I had a legitimate anger to carry me through that breakup. It was harder with RS but there were still valid reason why we couldn’t sort out life so I moved on. Mr. Wolf pissed me off so yeah that messed up my mojo but nothing like with a few other folks. I’ve described it to people I trust, so virtually no one, as folding in on myself when those relationships ended. My brain couldn’t stop wondering what if, why not, who would be out there that made me feel this connected and I broke. Like not in a way that most people would notice. I did amazing things in my non kink life so it looked like I was thriving and in that space I actually am. But in kink my brain is good for stretches and then all of a sudden it’s back to wondering why the fuck not me. Why are you happy without me? Part of me still wants you but you can’t even talk to me. So I pull back again and put on some music and try to quiet the noisy chatter. I mentioned JP Saxe before but the song that encapsulates this breakup state of mind is Love v Logic. When I say I love this song and am angry I understand it so intimately it’s not an overstatement. I know this makes no sense. I know they don’t care–or at least not in the way that one part of me still does. I know that it’s illogical to hope things magically switch up now when they haven’t before. I know all of these things but if they did in the next hour I’d cautiously giggle and pray I wasn’t dreaming. There’s more after the video, sorry.
Last night I was surprised that I prayed out loud for some relief. I acknowledged that I was being stupid. I acknowledged that one of the folks doesn’t believe in any higher power so asking for them to come back was a lost cause anyway. Instead, I asked to think about anything else. To care about anyone else. For someone new to find me intriguing so I could move the fuck on. Probably not the best idea to swear in the prayer but gotta be honest. And I dreamed about someone new. And he was funny and his energy was good and he was committed to making me scream. Then I woke up, and the longer I reflected on the very vivid dream the more I realized it was just a thinner version of an ex that torments me. That made me a bit frustrated. I woke up hopeful and was defeated by the clarity of being fully awake. So now I’m writing because that makes me feel better. And I’m ordering food that makes me feel better. And I just ordered a new vanilla toy to help me rest after looking and not finding anything on the end of a kink relationship and how to process and move on. I want peace and maybe that’s too much to ask but it’s rude as hell to not have it.