you are a beautiful surprise

music is moving me as of late.  i’m going to link a song i want you to play as you are listening or to get your mind where mine is as i am writing this.

okay if you don’t know india.arie you should learn her. i have been feeling lots of things lately and i can’t say that all of them are have been enjoyable. when i found kink i felt like i found myself and there is nothing that could ever make me really leave it entirely.  but i feel invisible a lot right now.  my vanilla life doesn’t have room for discussion of kink.  my friends aren’t open enough for this even though one just came out as a maybe lesbian and married a woman.  kink is regulated to fetlife for me right now and i’m not thin enough, naked enough, risque enough or whatever it is that draws attention to you.  and the fleeting moments of engagement there are just that.  the vanilla world certainly affords me more attention but not a lot that doesn’t drain me.  it’s why i escaped to the movies today for a recharge but most of the time i don’t have room to squeeze that in.  there are days when i’m tired and lonely and i wonder if letting go of kink, something that hasn’t always been entirely fruitful for me, wouldn’t be the more prudent option.  and honestly i don’t even consider it long which is why the spirals may flare up from time to time.

i had another spiral and i legit hate when i get there.  so many days and moments life is great and these pop up and just push me off of whatever precipice i’ve been holding on to and yeah that shit sucks.  during this latest spiral i asked for what i needed.  i don’t expect that to be more than a request to the universe but usually i just sit on my hands and hope for the best.  it’s left me with some peace that i hope is more than temporary.  and i started thinking about my own self-care again, saw how much longer my locs have really gotten in the last few years, and read a smutty book that i didn’t write for a change.  life is lifing but i am in a sweet spot of loving on myself right now and that shocked me.  i can’t say what’s going to derail it but i’m going to hold on to the emotion while it lasts.  as long as it does then i just exist and be happy instead of trying to make everything make sense.

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