More reflection, gaining clarity

I’ve been back in classes.  I think I may try to do something in depth once a month if I can but that’s not what this post is about.  I sat in a class on Butler Books which was kind of fascinating.  It’s essentially about creating a book to help focus your service and make sure that you don’t forget minor or major things related to serving your partner.  Everything from managing a dinner party to remember gifts and when they need to be sent to how your partner prefers their drinks after a meal.  As someone that likes direction and routine in my relationships to a point, this was fascinating and I loved it.  Of course, I can’t draft most of those things while being good and single but I was intrigued all the same.  And as someone who is good and single, I appreciated that part of the book was drafting who you are as a member of the kink community in this moment and what you are looking for from a potential partner.  I mean I think I know what I want and who I am but that is scattered over a million different writings and journals and what have you so I’m going to try to do that here if I can compose my thoughts before bed.So let’s start with who I am.  The stuff on my fet profile is valid but I know that folks don’t read it and truth be told I am unlikely to meet the kind of person I want on fetlife for lots of reasons.  I am a Black female submissive who is approaching what I hope is the middle of my life.  I fluctuate between a size 14 and 18 depending on what I’m wearing and how comfortable I’d like to be in it.  I tend to wear things larger than they need to be because I like the space in there to not be on the spot with how people consume my body.  I have been on the right half of the slash forever and have literally no interest in being on the left.  My non kink life does not allow me to rest on the right side so at home with my partner I want to be of service but also nurtured.  I want to relax into the safety of a person that is receptive of leadership and who will allow me to support them as well.  It would help if they were taller than me but seriously I’m 5’3 on a good day so that shouldn’t be hard.  This is drifting into what I want though so let me back up.  I am a submissive with slave tendencies.  I accept that now lol because I was very resistant to the idea of being anyone’s slave.  It wasn’t just the connotations that word has for Black women in particular but I didn’t think I could give up that much of myself to follow someone else.  I may be closer to that now than when I found kink but it would greatly depend on the person involved.  I like to cook and bake from scratch.  I love to travel and read.  I love music.  It is the the thing that makes me happiest in life and I was crushed that so many artists I adore have left this plane.  I have tattoos and I enjoy pain.  I enjoy rope and degradation with the right person.  I have a recurring fantasy of serving my person while they are in a lovely fitted pinstriped suit and I am nearly or totally naked.  Somewhere in the middle of that fantasy they defile me in ways I cannot express right now and then leave me to lick clean the mess I’ve made on them.  I have an autoimmune issue that is annoying as hell and somewhat under control right now and trying to keep it that way or get it to a totally under control state.  I have locs that are now down my back and feel like a gentle hug when they are down.  I am working on self-care and picking my battles with everyone.  I do not have to attend every fight I’m invited to.  I have published three books, one kinky, one with kink in it and one that is just about being a Black woman.  And while I will clean the dishes, garden, and grab the mail I literally hate cleaning up everything else.  I want to learn how to play the drums and I am using three apps to work on my Dutch.  If my mom ever goes to hang out with Prince and Whitney, I may become an expat.  I love the person I serve with my whole heart and if I don’t then my service will suffer.  I like wax play and the right person can flip the switch into some water sports.  I don’t do animals or age play.  I don’t do scat and I don’t actually want to see my own blood.  Race play will get you kicked out of my space as fast as humanly possible and if you thought that men like Dr. Umar or Kevin Samuels are role models for you then we can just not meet each other and keep it moving.

I am looking for someone that sees all my weird broken bits and finds them fascinating.  They encourage my care and feeding.  They are clear and open communicators.  They care enough to correct me and push on but not trample my boundaries.  They are clear about their wants and needs and make sure I know how to meet those needs.  They are consistent and nurturing.  If they cannot do something or be somewhere they previously said they could they are able to relay that information as far in advance as possible.  They do not try to coerce unnecessary change.  They are sadistic and able to find a comfortable place to take up residence in my brain.  I can appreciate subtle manipulation especially if it benefits both of us but if it’s heavy handed I will shut down.  They have to be aware that in my deep and abiding love of pain that I may go nonverbal and they have to make sure I haven’t checked out so hard they won’t be able to get me back.  I would appreciate if they were funny and skilled and willing to learn new things just for the sake of learning them.  Those don’t have to be kink related at all.  Let’s just learn things together.  I want a dominant but not domineering partner.  That could be Daddy/Dominant/Sadist/Predator.  That cannot, for a lot of reasons, be a switch.  I don’t have a height requirement but I do have an age requirement that serves me well and I haven’t met anyone yet to make me change it since I found kink.  You have to be old enough that we understand the same music/movie/book references.  Old enough that my younger brother can’t call you junior.  Or that you realistically could not be my child so 40+ works right now.  I would like it if they understand tennis, Prince, and how to deliver a long slow burn before they torment me.  Bi or multilingual is a huge plus/turn on.  While I’m heteroflexible sexually, I’m heteromantic and would prefer my partner be pretty much the same.

I think that’s enough for now.  If I think of more things I’ll ad them later.  For now, it’s late and I’m trying to make sure I don’t go grab homemade ice cream from the freezer.


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