up early, not feeling broken, still a little lonely

So I have a lot to do today.  Normally, I’d sleep until 45 minutes before I needed to get started but I woke up with the alarm and stayed up for a change.  Yesterday or the day before if we’re being time specific (y’all the days are blurring together with the sleep issues), I sent messages out to GN and DM.  Let me double back to that in a second.  Last week I was feeling kind of like an addict.  I wanted to be entirely broken not just teetering off the shelf.  I wanted to be claimed and protected.  I wanted to be a good little girl or someone’s favorite cunt again.  That wasn’t happening though.  And I knew that wasn’t happening logically.  Emotionally though I was a basket case.  So I stopped and took a moment to pray for myself.  I knew my mind was a whirling maelstrom of mess so I asked for my mind to be calm.  I asked for my heart to be released from whatever it was feeling.  And I asked that if the focus of my distracted mind wasn’t for me that I could let that emotion go once and for all.  It’s been long enough and I really just wanted some peace if this person wasn’t for me.  Then I went back to tackling the 90K things I normally have to tackle but as the day went on I did start to feel better.  Less needy, less addict like.  That felt good.  And it continued to feel good for a few days after that so I got back into the business of being red in real life not a desperate submissive clamoring for a snippet of attention.  Even as I reached out the other day, I was feeling better.  I waited to see what would transpire and what happened pushed a different switch.  So then I messaged both of them with entirely different messages and I went to sleep a little anxious about how it would be perceived and then something fabulous for me happened–absolutely nothing different than had been happening.  Neither responded but that gave me a silly amount of peace.  I know that GN has been busy and I don’t know his situation.  He’s been trying to encourage me as we sort through the mess that was the ending of our relationship.  DM hasn’t acknowledged my messages in a long time.  I saw that he read it and for some reason that felt better than the alternative but I didn’t feel inclined to say anything else.  Things felt done for me mentally and emotionally.  I don’t know that either position is valid and that there won’t be a flare up at some point in the future.  I do know though that there’s no other place to rest with this but to feel okay and understand that I needed to have the experience but that I don’t have to have it with him.  Especially if he doesn’t want to have it with me.  It feels like a million years ago that I met him.  But he became so deeply embedded in how I saw my submission and what kind of person I wanted to submit to that I couldn’t shake the feeling on of not being complete without him.  And I swear that would have killed me before to even acknowledge because I then would have to think that I would never be complete because he was not interested anymore.  I hope that the right version of these things I want can exist in a partner who is all in and ready.  But the truth is I haven’t fallen apart on my own.  I haven’t felt great.  I have been incredibly lonely from time to time as I try to navigate another phase of single when I can this crystal clear picture of what I would like.  But I moved into a new home, advanced with my job, wrote a whole ass book, traveled and taking on leadership roles outside of my work.  I have done good things all while periodically lamenting why one of these men was out of my life.  Doesn’t matter why ultimately does it?  I am so grateful for what has happened to this point even when it hasn’t felt great all the time.  It needed to happen clearly.  I don’t know if I’m finally on the other side but I feel like I can breathe deeply again.  And I am hopeful that this will be more permanent this time.  Ok on to the next thing.  Y’all have a great day.

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