So I have a lot to do today. Normally, I’d sleep until 45 minutes before I needed to get started but I woke up with the alarm and stayed up for a change. Yesterday or the day before if we’re being time specific (y’all the days are blurring together with the sleep issues), I sent messages out to GN and DM. Let me double back to that in a second. Last week I was feeling kind of like an addict. I wanted to be entirely broken not just teetering off the shelf. I wanted to be claimed and protected. I wanted to be a good little girl or someone’s favorite cunt again. That wasn’t happening though. And I knew that wasn’t happening logically. Emotionally though I was a basket case. So I stopped and took a moment to pray for myself. I knew my mind was a whirling maelstrom of mess so I asked for my mind to be calm. I asked for my heart to be released from whatever it was feeling. And I asked that if the focus of my distracted mind wasn’t for me that I could let that emotion go once and for all. It’s been long enough and I really just wanted some peace if this person wasn’t for me. Then I went back to tackling the 90K things I normally have to tackle but as the day went on I did start to feel better. Less needy, less addict like. That felt good. And it continued to feel good for a few days after that so I got back into the business of being red in real life not a desperate submissive clamoring for a snippet of attention. Even as I reached out the other day, I was feeling better. I waited to see what would transpire and what happened pushed a different switch. So then I messaged both of them with entirely different messages and I went to sleep a little anxious about how it would be perceived and then something fabulous for me happened–absolutely nothing different than had been happening. Neither responded but that gave me a silly amount of peace. I know that GN has been busy and I don’t know his situation. He’s been trying to encourage me as we sort through the mess that was the ending of our relationship. DM hasn’t acknowledged my messages in a long time. I saw that he read it and for some reason that felt better than the alternative but I didn’t feel inclined to say anything else. Things felt done for me mentally and emotionally. I don’t know that either position is valid and that there won’t be a flare up at some point in the future. I do know though that there’s no other place to rest with this but to feel okay and understand that I needed to have the experience but that I don’t have to have it with him. Especially if he doesn’t want to have it with me. It feels like a million years ago that I met him. But he became so deeply embedded in how I saw my submission and what kind of person I wanted to submit to that I couldn’t shake the feeling on of not being complete without him. And I swear that would have killed me before to even acknowledge because I then would have to think that I would never be complete because he was not interested anymore. I hope that the right version of these things I want can exist in a partner who is all in and ready. But the truth is I haven’t fallen apart on my own. I haven’t felt great. I have been incredibly lonely from time to time as I try to navigate another phase of single when I can this crystal clear picture of what I would like. But I moved into a new home, advanced with my job, wrote a whole ass book, traveled and taking on leadership roles outside of my work. I have done good things all while periodically lamenting why one of these men was out of my life. Doesn’t matter why ultimately does it? I am so grateful for what has happened to this point even when it hasn’t felt great all the time. It needed to happen clearly. I don’t know if I’m finally on the other side but I feel like I can breathe deeply again. And I am hopeful that this will be more permanent this time. Ok on to the next thing. Y’all have a great day.