I have been on virtual meetings most of the weekend. All of this is by choice even though I forgot about some of it. Some of it is kink related and other is a vanilla interest. Either way, I’m multitasking and listening in. I’m glad that I am able to do this at all. Friday my body started throwing a tantrum and I had to call my doctor’s office to set up an appointment to treat that ASAP. Couldn’t happen on Friday, that will take place tomorrow so we’ll go with that. I’ve started feeling better but when I skip the appointment my body flares up. I think it was stress related mostly because like most days I’m doing too much. But also as I finished up my meetings and pivoted into cooking our dinner, my body said you’re lacking in something so sit down. Thankfully that happened near the end of cooking but my legs started feeling like I was dehydrated. I had to sit down and consider my water intake at that point. Lemonade and fruit juice but not a ton of straight water. I chugged about 65 ounces of water over the next 30 minutes and my body was like okay we good. So I’ve been staying on the water as much as I can since then and it’s helped with the tantrum my body was throwing as well. So did getting more than six hours of sleep but you know it’s the little things right now. I sometimes forget about the day to day self care things that are very fucking necessary for me. Eating when I need to and not just when I’m hungry because these meds kills my appetite. When I don’t eat I rarely drink so that is likely what has bee adding to me feeling or getting dehydrated. I’m still gonna get my massage though. I’ve been skipping out on the pedicure though. I mostly want the foot rub but couldn’t honestly care less about my toes looking great. I do need to work on adding the hydration back to my skin in other ways though because ashy ankles is not the business.
I mentioned the virtual meetings and I appreciate that I have gone to those. It has allowed me to reconnect to folks who experience life in the same way that I do and as I told one of the presenters yesterday–it let me remember why I entered into the lifestyle in the first place. I mentioned Emperor before and that he called me a classic submissive bordering on a slave. I bristled at slave for lots of reasons but for those that don’t know–the Black woman on the side of the page represents my Black nerdy self. Regardless, when I walked away from him, I walked away from any concept of serving in this very regimented way. Looking at it now though, I was looking for that kind of control from my partners. Especially the partners that I got the most connected to as I got to know them. I was craving their control. I would have done things for one Dom that I wouldn’t have done for another in a heartbeat. I might have crawled over broken glass for a few had they commanded me to do so. And I would have done it happily while I bandaged myself up and waited at their feet. The fantasies that kept me moist the most when I was writing and actively seeking a dominant partner were me nude and serving, nude and kneeling, dressed and waiting, doing whatever I needed to do to make Him happy and tell me I was a good girl. I have to be in control of so much, I didn’t want to be in control of me or how I functioned in a relationship. Yes that’s a submissive but the trainings that have been getting me going are about things I like to have happen to me–rope for example–or how I can be a better servant to my partner. I have another one of them coming up in early April and I’m excited. Okay I’m in two meetings at once now and I’m gonna need to focus.