Before I went to bed last night I wanted to hear some music but I didn’t want it permeating the house because it was approaching midnight and my forever roommate was nearing sleep if they weren’t already. I had been listening to T Pain’s cover album on spotify and figured I’d just move over to something else I could control and listen until I got ready for lights out. Amazon music has curated a channel for me based on what I typically listen to or like in terms of music and I have to say it did a pretty stellar job. Some things I had listened to already that night but other stuff it just went with and it was a good mix of folks outside of Prince and that’s just because it doesn’t have a lot of the Prince songs that I like. I did a bit of processing and oversharing with GN and then went to sleep. I saw processing and oversharing because he was knocked out and I was just working through the thoughts in my head. I could have just blogged it all out here but then I wouldn’t have had the dream I had. It will all connect, or at least I think it will, in a bit.
As I am doing more active internal work, I’m doing a lot of self-reflection. Sometimes, when it doesn’t directly pertain to someone else, then I just dump it out here and whomever is still perusing these pages can get a gander of whatever I got going on. However, when it is about someone more directly then I avoid posting that here out of respect for their privacy as much as I can. I’m the one struggling not them and it’s not fair to make it look like they caused my very much so on me struggles. They may have been the spark but I am most definitely responsible for letting my own insecurities fan those sparks into a long-lasting flame. Which is what came up in my dream. I was working with a bunch of folks that I liked as people. We were doing good things together and I was proud of the work that was being put out. Can’t tell you what that was exactly but upon waking up it felt like we were helping people. Right before I woke up, I found myself on a couch holding hands with a very attractive, to me, man as I was leaning over him and kissing him. Initially, it was a very soft case but the longer it went on the more intense it got but I remember thinking each time how soft and supple his lips were. He ended up pulling me closer to him and as I was smiling down at him and sucking on one of his lips he remarked that he was so glad that he had taken the time to get to know me and loved reading my blog to understand what had gone wrong with a few of my past relationships because he didn’t want to make those mistakes. For whatever reason, that totally pulled me out of that warm and fuzzy place in the dream because I knew that he hadn’t seen all of the relationship because I hadn’t shared it. He looked momentarily confused and asked why not. And I said basically what I’ve said in this post. I couldn’t really share my experience of the relationship and some things I wouldn’t post out of respect for those that would likely see our relationship as distinctly different than I did. I woke up to us walking out of the room we had been in and back to my place to have a deep conversation about what was missing. I don’t think I’m going to change how I blog but it made me aware of what I was missing in these decades of posts. And what I recall from the dream is that he was strong enough and confident enough to dominate my infuriating self and that he was free to do so without any other entanglements. We’ll see if the dream was prophetic or now.