y’all i’m tired. i have more stuff to do this week and only one or two will be fun for me. the rest is kind of time consuming and yeah i wanna sleep. i went to a virtual shibari class tonight and that was good. i like seeing patterns come to life in rope. i was gonna do a burlesque for the bedroom class but didn’t buy my tickets in time so none of that. then i was left to read things randomly on fet and watch tv. the reading though struck a cord with me and i need to process it here. it was about pride and ego and what that means on the small (right) side of the slash in D/s dynamics. and it made me think about how many failures i have had as a submissive in terms of communicating and where i was operating from when i did share things. anxiety and fear were the primary motivators. i was nervous about how my desires would be perceived and i was afraid that asking for whatever it was would make me seem needy and more work than it was worth to keep me. there’s not a good way to communicate from that place and it inevitably meant i was not being my best submissive self because i couldn’t completely serve from that place. some of that was misplaced pride too. how could i, doer of all the things, be an afterthought. i didn’t want to be used or neglected and so i shut down when i couldn’t stand the unknown anymore. also not the best place to try to serve from and it just meant the cycle of not greatness in my relationships continued.
it doesn’t matter if i felt justified because of past behavior on the part of anyone other than myself. i shared the photo below a few weeks back and it’s super relevant to this part of my post. yes those other relationships fell apart but i was centrally involved in all of them so either i was picking badly or i was letting the wrong motivations (fear, anxiety or pride) guide my behavior. so this reading got me into some self-reflection. i’ve mostly stumbled into my dynamics. i have never asked anyone to allow me to serve them. and i don’t think it’s because i thought i’d be rejected more than i just hadn’t thought of it. i was excited to be chosen and my brain loved it and thus them and thus another cycle started. i was thinking could i have the nerve to seek out someone to serve and based on my present behavior probably not lol. a few people have been intriguing but i am not their type and they aren’t close. can i do another long-distance relationship? sure with the right person but i’m not feeling that tug to seek anyone out from the avenues i have available to me. the few folks that i might have sought out, that shipped has definitely sailed and i’m gonna let the boat stay in dry dock instead of trying to chase them down. if it swung back around i may not be as shy but i don’t think that’s likely to happen. i need to prepare myself though because i think someone is coming and i need to let go of my shield so i can serve fully. and by fully i mean with my mind, body and heart without fearing that any of me is going to be rejected. i used to envision kneeling at my dominant’s feet, with my head resting on their thigh. it would make me exhale a deep sigh and i’d wonder if he’d absentmindedly stroke my hair or pull me into his lap as we discussed the day or whatever he needed from me. i have begun to envision setting up his home and managing his life so that he is good and that makes us good by default. and now i’m thinking about can i ask to be his. this is progress for me. okay that’s it for now. when i think of anything else i may revisit this.