I’m writing this first here for a change but this will end up on my blog eventually. As far as Mondays go, this was productive and eventful. I woke up and instead of immediately going back to sleep because I didn’t have anything on my agenda for four hours, I got up and did some work. I responded to immediate emails and then red up on some other things. I go to dance around tornado warnings and watches and fuss with mom who didn’t want to sit in the safest part of the house and after that I fell apart for a bit. I was having a mid-afternoon pity party and had to get myself together because I still had a presentation to give.
As I was in the shower lamenting my state and masturbating because I needed to release that energy, something came to mind. There’s a website called Despair.com and I love it. I had a bunch of their old photos and cards in my office and would give them out if someone saw one they liked. Today one came back to me that was entitled Dysfunction with the subheading of “The only consistent feature of your unsatisfying relationships is you.” People most certainly get on my nerves but why was I around for them to do so. I was madly deeply in love with men who did or could not love me back but why did my dumb ass keep letting myself glam onto men who were in the place to love me? Tragic love stories are great to read about not to love and they very rarely end up on television unless it’s on Snapped or the ID Network. I wasn’t even trying to prove that I could make them love me even though that’s what I wanted. I wanted to be worthy of love and adoration. Some part of my brain bought into the suffering to achieve love foolishness.
I keep stumbling in my recovery process and I hope that all stumbles now are forward progress. There’s either someone out there or there’s not but I need to keep the happy energy going regardless. It was a good bad day. Honestly it was okay with a minor breakdown and I gotta focus on that more than the lamentations. I hope the universe receives this now but really bring the right person to me. I’m ready and got some things in store for them.